Life


It all passes by so fast. It was about 13 years ago when I brought her home in my coat. It was snowing and I didn’t want her to be cold. She would poke her head out and peer up at me but she never moved. She was content being buttoned up and close.

We went to the humane society to look. We had no intention of adopting and I actually wanted her brother. But spouse wanted her so we all met in a room.

It took her forever to warm up enough to approach me. Once she did, that was it.

She has adored me since and she is one of the first dogs I’ve been mature enough to actually see the love in her eyes.

She follows me every place I go and sits with me even when it’s clear she’s uncomfortable.

I love her and I see our time is nearing the end. It’s so painful. It wasn’t long ago we lost another and to think she’s leaving too – it’s unbearable.

I saw her wobble while she walked and witnessed the confusion in her eyes as she glanced at me seeking understanding or comfort. Maybe both.

I hoped my eyes were playing tricks on me but we all know they weren’t.

This little dog whose been my biggest champion since the day we met – grew into a protector, a clown and a best friend – is leaving and I don’t want her to.

I pray she knows how deeply I love her.

I pray – provided she is in no pain or misery – can wait a while longer. I’m just not ready. I’m not over the last one. I’m not over the pain and torment of my issues with work and I’m sure as hell not over the anxiety it caused. I need her – but only if it’s not going to do harm to her. I feel selfish but – she has watched over me – and me her for 13 years…..

With all that has happened and is happening – I don’t know that I can withstand another painful blow.

I was fired 3 days after my dog died in August. I went to work the day after because I didn’t want to leave them in a bind….I regret that decision. They didn’t deserve the additional torment being at work caused. I had given them over a year with panic and anxiety wreaking havoc on a daily basis. It was torture.

I regret pushing through – for them. I worked on days I felt the room spinning and wanted to be sick. Working even harder – allowing them even bigger payoffs than before….for what?

For me to miss valuable time with my dogs that as I watched him take his last breath…and will with her….wish I never let that precious time be wasted on such a terrible company and even worse group of people.

I listen for her breaths and take a deep one myself because she’s still here….

My hope is that she will be for many more days to come.

She is what matters in this life and I’m so sorry I chose working many hours for weeks and months without days off for such a worthless group – when I could have spent it with her and the others.

I can’t get that time back but I can sure make sure she knows she is adored in the time she has left.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s