Rolling and toiling

I’ve gotten away from the run of the mill health anxiety I had for over a year and hoped I was leaving it behind.

This week I had/have symptoms of a stomach virus accompanied by fear. The two are awful mixes.

Like anything else they drive each other.

I ended up in the ER the other morning after being terribly sick all night. It was scary but I was too sick to fret too far in advance.

The last few days I’ve been putting my life back together and done fairly well until today.

Pain in the left shoulder, neck, pain in the chest – we know where anxious people go with those….

I’m trying to be reasonable and it’s hard.

I have to work within the hour and want to stay home where I can freely toil about the aches and pains I feel.

I need to go to work where I have to pay attention and hopefully the aches and pains drift away proving that they are once again – caused by worry.

At home we had a disagreement about some boundaries. Nothing spectacular but still upsetting.

My bodies pattern is to deal with stress by creating heart worries.

Here we are.

When you start to recognize those things you would think it would magically disappear but – it doesn’t happen that way. Not for me. I always seem to be able to focus on the what if of it all.

What if it really IS my heart this time.

What if I’m wrong and something is really happening….

It always wins. Always.

My truest wish is that I would be able to get past this. I have said before that I feel I am going through this terrible stuff for a reason. I sure wish I knew what it was.

Interestingly enough – my former employer has been thrust back in my life this week.

Trip to ER for massive illness the same day they appeared. Chest pains and worry resurface as they continue to linger….

Maybe it’s a coincidence but frankly – it feels more like a pattern.

Did they do SO much damage that they will ALWAYS have an impact on my health?

Let’s hope not!

Well – I have to put myself back together and get to the new job….

Wish me much luck. Today’s a shaky day.


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