New Year – We can hope

Happy New Year everyone!

This time last year I was fretting about so many things. Health, work, home…life.

I look back over the past year and see SO much wasted time being afraid.

Yet – I’m still doing it.

Next month I will have had panic/anxiety for 2 years.

Panic has filtered away. I’m able to recognize and deal with it almost instantly. When you know what it is and how to manage it, goes away.

Anxiety just hangs in there.

It’s all about the symptoms.

If I woke up tomorrow and had no symptoms such as dizziness, chest pain etc, I would likely have no anxiety or at minimum, greatly reduced anxiety. The “normal” variety kind.

But my anxiety centers around a wave of dizziness or a deep ache in my chest. Fear of a medical emergency or sudden death….keeps me from living.

Yep, I said it. It’s THAT cycle that keeps me cemented into this stupid dance I do daily.

I have said it before – I feel I have aged SO much through this process. I feel I have been weakened.

It started because I was being double and triple teamed at work by unethical supervisors. I had hoped that my exit from that awful place would result in a cure but I think they did SO much damage for so long, I’m either stuck like this forever or it’s going to take a very long time to recover. Either outlook sucks if you’re the one enduring it.

They took a HUGE piece if my life away. I can only hope that they learn from their devious behaviors.

As far as I go, I keep clawing my way through each and every day. I have to because the second I stop, I’ll die.

If we don’t grit out teeth and keep taking those steps – they win. They would love to know they are still ruining days/nights – my life.

If it were me – I would be devistated to think I had a hand in hurting someone so deeply where they are the type to take pictures of the gory crime scene and paste it on their walls while doing their bloody sacrificial rituals over the broken soul.

I’ll leave them up to God to answer to because it’s all I can do.

My wish for this brand new year would be to continue to make gains. My hope is to regain the fun in my life, the activity and the joy.

They stole my joy and I want it back!

This year I want to live!!


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