March On

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Thomas Merton

I have worn a cardiac monitor the last 2 days. I pushed myself. I are things I knew caused palpitations and I braved fear feeling that if I collapsed – a record would be right there for the docs to see.

As soon as the monitor was removed – it all fired back up.

Disequilibrium, anxiety about chest pains, fear over stroke because of my symptoms – I can’t say I was totally free the last 2 days but I can tell you I haven’t lived nearly as much the last 2 years as I did the last day and a half.

There was something liberating about the monitor and wished I could wear one for months…..and months….

Tomorrow I’ll turn it in and wait for an answer fearful the phone will ring and they demand I report to the ER.

I’m hoping there are no changes from the last one. I’m hoping that THIS TIME I will be able to pick up the pieces and march on….


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