Down


The morning started like many others. Tired but functional. I did my early morning routine and had a few flops that have me pause but I pulled it together and then went to clean up an office.

My former employer and a recent lawsuit settlement was topic for the morning group. I try to shake it off. I know how the mere thought or mention can take a good day and turn it ugly. An undecided day can quickly be decided for me.

During the cleaning my spouse called. My elderly dog….we know the time is coming but we both talk about how it’s probably arrived.

Spouse is going to call the vet to have him come to the house. We hang up.
Shortly after I get a text saying the same thing about my former employer as before and symptoms begin.

Feelings of dropping blood pressure startle me and then it’s all revving high.

Fear of death, fear of passing out and not being found for hours….weakness in my legs, fine motor skills suffering….

All of the worries came washing over me. I quickly finished up, leaving a section undone. I’ll deal with it later.

I throw my things in the car and race home.

“Is that cold sweats?” I wonder. I visualize the path to the nearest ER.

“You were just in a warmer building moving around and you’re bundled up…don’t be silly…”

I continue to fret.

I begin to list the possibilities to what I’m feeling.

Stress from mentions of my previous employee – always sends me reeling.
Stress from all of the tasks I’m undertaking.
Mostly – my dog. She’s helped me feel protected and safe for years…and she is leaving me for a pain-free afterlife where she can run and play….

Guilt washes over me as I think about the last 2 years of her life.

I’ve been riddled with anxiety and fear. Worry and torment. I’ve raged, cried and lay cowering in my bed….

She was there the whole time. Her last two years have been stressful because of me.

She knows when I cry. She knows when I’m fearful and I think she absorbs it.

As I may here listening to her pant in pain – unable to get her to take her meds, food or water – I’m heart-broken.

6 months ago we lost our other pup.

This has been the toughest point in my life. Watching them struggle and stay “happy”. I am shamed.

I’m told over and over that nothing is wrong with me and I writhe and squirm like a weenie.

These amazing creatures push through. If I’m going someplace and she wants to go – she will endure the pain during and after – to be with me.
Now, I don’t allow it most of the time because it’s too hard on her but she reacts the same to going outside to do her business.

So here I am. Freaking out about my body, heart and crying for the both of us – when I get a call.

It’s the heart doc who just did a work up. She calls to reassure me that I’m absolutely fine. Sound heart. Solid. Normal….

While we speak – most of my symptoms disappear.

I’m reminded how delicate life is. I am going to miss my dog and really, that trumps everything.

February 13, 2014

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