Nothingness


“It’s just about time to go” announces my anxiety.

“I wish I didn’t have to” I reply, still worn out from my work life.

“You could quit..” says Reason.

“Who will pay the bills?!” demands Fear

“You have other jobs that make you more money. You would be able to grow that business if you were not tied up in that cesspool every day” argues Reason.

“But what if…” Anxiety starts but is cut off by Sadness “What if WHAT?! What if you work for YEARS making them money and they treat you like crap? What if you sacrificed your time with friends or family and they lie about you?? What if you have helped each of them on different occasions and they act like you are the biggest piece of shit in the world?! Yeah, what if. That will make things better!”

My department is thriving again. First in income and dollars per.

Yet, I don’t know how to manage.

Wednesday is my unreasonable deadline.

My attorney is willing to go after them personally for their bullying and intimidation. My attorney is willing to go after the company for allowing it. All I need to do is sign on the dotted lines. Yet….I really don’t want to.

Not because they all don’t deserve it. They do.

It’s because I don’t deserve it.

I deserve to have the respect that the work I have done over the years dictates.

If you don’t like someone, it doesn’t change their value. If you don’t like someone, it changes YOUR value if you allow it to interfere with everyone’s ability to do the job.

Senior Director likes to say “We need to remember that it doesn’t matter if we like someone personally. It only matters that they can do the job”.

Senior is trying to convince themselves and those around because they are all fodder within the company for making “mean girl” business decisions based on emotion and favor.

Keep repeating it because you’re no closer than you were the first time you said it.

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Okay…that’s it


Ring….Ring….Ring….

“Hello?”

“It’s stress calling. I don’t plan on talking to you now, I just wanted to upset you. I’ll do it again tomorrow. See you then!”

That was my day off. Can’t wait.

My heart has been skipping and thudding all over the place. PVC and PAC’s suck. Ask anyone that has them. Sometimes they only scare you. Other times they hurt and scare you. They suck either way.

So that boot I talked about a few posts ago? The one they like to hang in the air over your head? Remember? They don’t bother with shoes as they prefer dropping boots?

Yeah, it’s going to be dropped on my skull tomorrow.

My company…..just adores a good ambush.

What they love more?

A pre-planned – pre-warned ambush is something they cherish even more.

If they can call you on a Saturday night and tell you of a planned meeting for the next Friday at 4:00pm, without any idea what the meeting is about….even better!

That’s a little extreme but….it happens. Mine was a little over 24 hours advance notice. No hint, no response when I asked what it was about….

I’m pretty sick of that stuff.

I don’t steal, don’t treat people poorly and don’t do things that are any where near those lines. I don’t cheat, lie or anything else. What I do actually do is ask questions or talk about how situations are a problem.

I’ve been told I need to shut up and do what I am told. Don’t ask questions, don’t question anything – just do it.

No opinions, no response. Just be the robot they want.

Okay. But can you not call me anymore?

Oh….wait. That was a question.

This will take some practice.

My response is okay.

That’s it.

Unreasonable cant tell time


Time heals all wounds.

I hope that’s true!

Today is a waste to this stupid ailment I have been wrestling with for almost a year and a half.

I spent the day at home trying to be productive but couldn’t.

I had someone tell me once, “Don’t be a victim?”

They were right. The problem sits deep within. Is anxiety just your soul being a victim? I don’t know. Maybe.

There have been times I have been super determined not to let this crap stop me. My “Stepping Forward” or “Guide” entries show what happens when I demand to live my life anxiety free. Epic bad days.

There have been times I’ve been on a good track, like this morning. Feeling great…and then I tumble.

It’s so random. So awkward. One minute you feel stronger, life flows again. I laughed and smiled!

The next minute I am racing home fearful my blood pressure is bottoming out.

The day was sunny, perfect temperatures and I was with my spouse having a great time.

A subject came up that I find unnerving and that was it. The beautiful day – another one in the stick pile – gone.

You sit and wait like you’re dying.

After 1 1/2 years, you’d think there would be SOME medical indication.

There is no reasoning with unreasonable.

Yeah


It’s been 2 weeks and I feel like I need to write an apology to my company and bosses for being alive.

I can’t tell if I’m being punished for coming back or being gone and in the end, it doesn’t matter. Punishment is punishment.

I’ll keep going until the day I’ve had enough. They can celebrate then.

Being the “most” hated person in your company is hard on the soul when your life outside of that place is the absolute opposite.

What causes the shift when walking through those doors? It’s hard to say.

In my personal and other jobs – life, I’m respected and admired. At this job I am despised and ridiculed.

Crazy.

I was told by therapist that the world they live in is polluted. It doesn’t matter who I really am, they’ll never allow anything other than the image they prefer. It benefits them in some way. The company villain.

They’ve always had one. When I leave, they’ll have another. I pitty that soul. They have no idea what they are in for…

This job, my bosses have nearly killed me. Wrecked my self-esteem/value. Made me doubt that I am worth the air I breathe.

And yet…..I’M the bad guy….

Relapse rinse and repeat


Today was a day from hell.

Reminiscent of a few months ago. The room spinning, becoming light headed on a whim. Weak, wobbly.

I went back to work at the end of last week. Within 3 days, I was having super symptoms.

Today they are wanting to take over.

I’ve got regular commitments that I have to meet and to do it, takes an entire day of preparing myself to spend that little bit of time, doing what I’m supposed to do.

I choke back the fear that wells and I try to mask the dizziness by moving when I feel it is safe.

I sent an email asking for assistance in the department I am in and those are not generally received well on a good day. Add my three whole days in to it and I’m sure I’m facing a firing squad tomorrow.

That worry doesn’t calm my issues.

I think FMLA should be based on your length of employment. I feel that after X amount if years, you should get a year if you need it.

I’m sorry but my current employer is partially, if not fully responsible for me being wrecked. I would think that taking a year to try to piece me back together wouldn’t be too much to ask….

I want to beat this. I want more than anything – to walk into my place of employment and feel like I can do it, inside and out.

Outwardly, I’m sure I seem fine. Inside, it’s the most excruciating thing!

So painful, all of the damned time!!

Like I’ve said, when I can be productive, I accomplish a TON of things, so much that it looks like I’m fully productive. The problem is; those productive times are maybe once or twice a week. 2 or 3 total hours of being able to complete tasks in a week, doesn’t make a great future!

So this afternoon I am trying to cope and get ready for whatever my day brings tomorrow.

My company always enjoys a great ambush so, I’m sure there will be one of those on the books. My email and all…

On the up side, I have an unruly right hand person and honestly, I think it’s just all of the changes that have gone on. I’m not mad about their actions. I’m not pleased but for once, I’m not upset by the things they’ve done in a short time. I view it as a hiccup that can be corrected. That’s a new one. In the past I would have insisted on an immediate chat and made sure the boundaries were laid out clearly.

I think that still needs to be done but not then. The situation was fresh and talking about it right away would have only aggravated the situation. I said little and left it alone.

We will revisit it but in a teaching – team work method rather than a correction.

Everyone makes mistakes and even though their first impression was terrible, that doesn’t mean they can’t do their jobs or won’t do things differently next time.

That’s a change in approach.

So, I guess I’ll see what happens tomorrow.

Hi Ho


It’s here.

Today is the day I reenter the same business world that just about drove me over the edge with stress, game playing and maliciousness.

I wish I didn’t have to go.

My fear is that I’m not ready and I’m making a huge mistake.

My worry is that they have gotten worse and I will, once again, pay the price.

My terror is that I will be standing in the middle of it all and fall totally and completely apart, like a worthless used up human version of Humpty Dumpty.

“Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.”

Should I be excited? I think apprehensive is understandable and advised.

Truth be told; I feel like a battered and wounded vet being sent back to the POW camp as a “guest”.

Upsetting, unnerving and disappointing.

I have to have a job. It’s what I do but I’m still not me. I have productive moments followed by bouts of swirling rooms and other scary symptoms.

Sure panic isn’t prevalent but anxiety has made itself at home.

I wait for the familiar ring of the alarm telling me its time to go to…….

To be determined

Saturday Derailment


Yesterday started out to be hopeful. Minor but symptoms, something you can live with.

Within a few hours of feeling like maybe I have a chance of moving from 90-95% bad days to the 80s or, dare I hope, less…

I had a negative and creepy interaction with someone and it flipped my day upside down.

My symptoms rolled in with a vengeance. The room wobbled. My heart pounded. Fear of death swirled over my head and the stench of fear filled every room.

I sat wondering (again) where I had gone. Where is that strong person?

I have spurts of big productive moments. I can do a lot in an hour. Nothing physical, just mind work, but it is massive.

Once that hour is over, I am depleted and left still trying to patch this broken soul back together.

My return to work draws closer and my symptoms have grown with each passing hour.

Fear of the return of bigger and more overwhelming symptoms. Fear of being driven permanently (if that’s not already the case) into a crazy state.

Lets not forget that this is the same place that cared so little about me as a human-being that I ended up in the hospital with wires attached to every place possible.

Lets not forget the demeaning games the Director played (I amusingly write that as if it is past-tense), the lies the Director told and the fact that I went to Human Resources and the Directors boss with the end result being within a few months I was called into a meeting with HR and MY boss and reprimanded for treating an executives son (my employee) poorly, even though every employee can attest otherwise.

Could I have trained him differently? Perhaps. He was unmotivated and did things I or anyone else would have been fired for but, that’s not for me to say. It made it difficult to get him where he needed to go.

This is the same place that refuses to allow me to be who I am, rather than who they perceived me to be 8 years ago while doing the difficult job of restoring order to some of the most chaotic departments I’ve ever seen.

In doing my job, I’ve been threatened, had a drink thrown on me, stalked, harassed to the point of having to change my number and block others, I’ve had to call the police, had my car keyed, called despicable names and been left menacing notes on my car.

That’s just by ex-employees and customers.

By supervisors I have endured isolation, exclusion, lies and sabotage.

The Director, as my direct supervisor told me I wasn’t allowed to be friends with a former employee (I moved locations and was told not to speak to anyone at the old location anymore). This former employee and I are still friends despite my direct order.

This from the same person who befriended several of her employees and co-workers and who still socialized with them on a regular basis.

So, as I write, I’m taken back to where I left off. The confusion and hurt feelings, anger, resentment and sense of betrayal.

It’s like I never left.

The difficulty is in managing this swirl of emotions, the fear of not being capable all mixed with the anxiety that rules my minutes.

My greatest desire is to beat this disorder. My greatest hope is to be seen as the person I truly am and my greatest wish is that life becomes worth living.

I want to make a positive difference in this world. Nothing else is acceptable.