It’s like a divorce


You begin living your life. You start to settle in. You begin to breathe again when someone brings “them” up….

Your former bosses who tormented you and we’re the catalyst for your needed recovery.

You try to be polite and diplomatic and then they tell you things that have been said about you, your departure or things that were done you were kit aware if while employed in their regime.

The room shifts and you’re set back to zero.

I don’t engage in bashing…as much as I would love to. I try to take the high road and say things like “Well, just remember there are two sides to every story…”

I would love to let them know the truth behind the lies but its a no win situation if I do that.

It riles me up and makes me feel bad all over again.

I return to zero in my recovery from the PTSD Senior, Director, old boss and minion caused and it makes me angry. Also a sign I am at day zero.

My goal is to rise above them, their ignorance and conceit. To recover and do better than I could have ever done under their reign of terror.

I’m not a hateful person by nature but I do fight the urge to wish ill will on them. I let it go knowing God will take care of any things He sees as poor behavior or unethical. I rely on Him to judge and address them. It’s not my place but I am human and do need to fight the natural instincts to wish against them.

In the grand scheme of things they each are less than nothing and when I remember that, they disappear back to the past where they’ve placed themselves.

It’s a work in progress and I pray God allows me the ability to have a conversation where they may be brought up and dismiss it as quickly as their “importance” was dismissed the moment I left them.

Some people belong in the past for a reason – they’re not worthy of a moment of your present or future. Let them fade to the distance where less than nothing moments belong.

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Employer PTSD


On a day filled with friends and support, my previous employer came up in conversation.

Within a few minutes my anxiety started to climb higher and higher. By the end of the gathering my anxiety was swimming freely about along with my disequilibrium, pounding heart, difficulty breathing and trouble walking. I spent time fearing a medical event.

It’s funny how days are improving to the point that I CAN have a gathering but not funny how talk about my previous employer can wreck me almost completely.

I wonder if there will be a time that they can come up in discussion and I am unphased.

It’s not that I spew venom when someone mentions the company. I am upset that they have lied and done very unethical things but being that angry only hurts the person that is mad. I don’t engage in bashing because they know what they’ve done and my circle of friends is well aware if how this company and their leadership behaves.

But

That doesn’t change how my mind and body react to the discussions about them.

It doesn’t change the near panic levels that my anxiety boosts to because of them.

Had I not learned how to deal with panic, I would be in a different frame of mind but my system sure likes to push that envelope when its given fuel.

So in the wake of a lovely pre-fall day filled with laughter and friends, my employer once again rises up to destroy any ground I can gain.

It’s a form of employer induced PTSD that I would be willing to bet others have experienced. There is no way I am the only one.

My hope is that one day I will cross paths with Senior, Director, Old Boss and Minion. That I will be polite and humane to each when I know they are not capable. My desire is to be respectful and neutral when I know they don’t deserve it.

I will spend the next few hours or even days putting myself back together again but my worst day away from them far outweighs my best day with them. That pretty much sums up who they are and that’s a shame.

Unanticipated Mourning


It approaches the afternoon on a weekend. I am not normally home now but since I was let go, I am home a lot.

Job searching is slow and yields very little response. Faceless electronic submissions, you don’t see people any more, they also don’t see you which can be good or bad depending on your look I guess.

One interview went well until we established that the company has solid dealings with my last employer. Everything turned to ice within a day. Can’t imagine why!

Home is comforting and I am grateful for it. Life being in a total upheaval is not the norm and not something I particularly enjoy.

I find myself missing my dog quite a bit. Each day it sinks deeper into realization just how much he provided comfort for me. The others are my love as well but there was something different about him. He just knew…..

He knew when I was sad and would come over and push his face against mine. I never let a dog lick my face before and I didn’t with him, he stuck them in quickly but it made me laugh each and every time…for years.

When I was having anxiety he would come over and sit by  me making sure his arm or a part of him was touching a part of me. His presence provided me comfort when nothing else could.

When I was having panic attacks he would place himself in front of me, staring into my eyes and hoist himself to eye level, balancing on the front of my chair with his two front paws. He would star intently into my eyes and I would just hug him. He stayed as long as I needed him to. I needed him to – a lot.

When I was sick, he would lay next to me. He would occasionally place his head on my chest or lap and just lay there. Having him near me made me feel better.

When I was burdened by my job he would do silly things to make me laugh. If I cried he would sit close and sneak a forceful lick of my face in to make me forget and start laughing.
He made silly faces and seemed to know when was the best comic timing for many of the things he did.

One of the things I miss is letting him in from being outside, having him run though the house – bound up the stairs, across the floor and pounce on his favorite toy, shaking the house during the entire process. He was my rock and my joy. I am struggling to learn how to deal with this new life without him.

Before panic and anxiety I would have a difficult time anyway. Post those afflictions, it feels too new, too big and too overwhelming.

Those with a special relationship with their pets understand.

We don’t all have to be the types to call them our “kids” or dress them up. There are plenty of us that love them as deeply as they love us without the oddities that this world has become.

Spouse and I were talking this morning about the very large vacancy that his death has caused in all of our lives. None of us realized just how present he was in each of our own individual lives as well as the household as a whole.

My other dogs are lost as well. We are all in a new environment trying to forge a life without one of our family members. It isn’t easy.

So today I am a bit off. Not quite anxiety, maybe little blurbs of what want to become panic but mostly it is a sense of being overwhelmed and a bigger sense of loss.

That terrible place with those terrible people I was employed with just exaggerated the issue. Not unlike them and I am sure they would take immense joy in knowing that I am struggling. That is the type of sad human beings they are. Negative and totally enthralled with gossip – unless it is about one of them of course.

My struggle today has nothing to do with them and everything to do with my missing friend.

Today is a mourning day and I sure didn’t see it coming.

 

 

Sadness


My skipped and extra heart beats (PVC, PAC) are back today. I hate them. Life is stressful enough – I sure don’t need these too.

It’s been a week since I was fired. I don’t miss them, that’s for sure. They are ridiculous people with a skewed image on how to conduct business. Popularity contests never proved to be great for business over the long run.

Today my heart is ping ponging around my chest upsetting me more and more. Some chest pains and some left arm numbness. It’s scary but I’ve been told as late as April that my heart checks out just fine. 4 months ago. I just have to keep reminding myself that its okay.

I received some legal papers in the mail. It’s just exacerbated the symptoms further.

It’s too bad life gets this way. It shouldn’t have to be do hard.

 

Well, there it is


I was let go today. The Director made good on her promise. I reminded HR Lady as I gathered my things.

Senior was shaking like a leaf. I found it silly. You’ve wanted this so much and you appear to be terrified. Get your game face straight man. You sound scared which is distracting.

Harassment is over (well, the kind I’ll know about. I’m sure libel will continue).

Bullying is done. They can kick at dirt and fondly recall their hate of me.

Discrimination is complete. They got away with it….

Or did they.

Places like that are toxic and its only a matter of time before they are discovered and forced to make sweeping changes.

I can only hope that my departure will bring about a forced change in the way they are allowed to run rampant and lie.

“I know I am being ethical!”

If you truly know it….you don’t have to say it out loud. If you know you’re not or you doubt it….you repeat it because that is who you are.

Keep saying it because hopefully you will be that way some day…maybe you will actually BE ethical. Because right now? You’re fodder for the company. They snicker and whisper when you walk by because your department runs like a high school. You and the others are a clique of girls that were ignored or tormented in school…so you think you’re “popular” now.

Except….

You are the butt of jokes. I used to feel bad for all of you. Then I realized that you cultivated this atmosphere. You created this ugly culture and your employees despise you.

Karma

Karma will take care of you and them. Karma knows no mercy and when it’s ready, you’ll have to deal with the lies and deeds you’ve done.

After you’ve learned the lessons Karma tends to teach, maybe THEN you will be ethical.

But I doubt it. Bad people don’t change very often and you all are a step above the worst society has to offer. Ah, who am I kidding, you’re right there with them!

Nothingness


“It’s just about time to go” announces my anxiety.

“I wish I didn’t have to” I reply, still worn out from my work life.

“You could quit..” says Reason.

“Who will pay the bills?!” demands Fear

“You have other jobs that make you more money. You would be able to grow that business if you were not tied up in that cesspool every day” argues Reason.

“But what if…” Anxiety starts but is cut off by Sadness “What if WHAT?! What if you work for YEARS making them money and they treat you like crap? What if you sacrificed your time with friends or family and they lie about you?? What if you have helped each of them on different occasions and they act like you are the biggest piece of shit in the world?! Yeah, what if. That will make things better!”

My department is thriving again. First in income and dollars per.

Yet, I don’t know how to manage.

Wednesday is my unreasonable deadline.

My attorney is willing to go after them personally for their bullying and intimidation. My attorney is willing to go after the company for allowing it. All I need to do is sign on the dotted lines. Yet….I really don’t want to.

Not because they all don’t deserve it. They do.

It’s because I don’t deserve it.

I deserve to have the respect that the work I have done over the years dictates.

If you don’t like someone, it doesn’t change their value. If you don’t like someone, it changes YOUR value if you allow it to interfere with everyone’s ability to do the job.

Senior Director likes to say “We need to remember that it doesn’t matter if we like someone personally. It only matters that they can do the job”.

Senior is trying to convince themselves and those around because they are all fodder within the company for making “mean girl” business decisions based on emotion and favor.

Keep repeating it because you’re no closer than you were the first time you said it.

Okay…that’s it


Ring….Ring….Ring….

“Hello?”

“It’s stress calling. I don’t plan on talking to you now, I just wanted to upset you. I’ll do it again tomorrow. See you then!”

That was my day off. Can’t wait.

My heart has been skipping and thudding all over the place. PVC and PAC’s suck. Ask anyone that has them. Sometimes they only scare you. Other times they hurt and scare you. They suck either way.

So that boot I talked about a few posts ago? The one they like to hang in the air over your head? Remember? They don’t bother with shoes as they prefer dropping boots?

Yeah, it’s going to be dropped on my skull tomorrow.

My company…..just adores a good ambush.

What they love more?

A pre-planned – pre-warned ambush is something they cherish even more.

If they can call you on a Saturday night and tell you of a planned meeting for the next Friday at 4:00pm, without any idea what the meeting is about….even better!

That’s a little extreme but….it happens. Mine was a little over 24 hours advance notice. No hint, no response when I asked what it was about….

I’m pretty sick of that stuff.

I don’t steal, don’t treat people poorly and don’t do things that are any where near those lines. I don’t cheat, lie or anything else. What I do actually do is ask questions or talk about how situations are a problem.

I’ve been told I need to shut up and do what I am told. Don’t ask questions, don’t question anything – just do it.

No opinions, no response. Just be the robot they want.

Okay. But can you not call me anymore?

Oh….wait. That was a question.

This will take some practice.

My response is okay.

That’s it.