I have had a great-ish week. I conquered a few symptoms here and there and kept moving. That is a big jump forward let me tell you.
So imagine my surprise when this afternoon I get slightly derailed by a flash of symptoms. I wouldn’t say derailed is accurate but its the best description because I have been actually derailed in the past and this isn’t it. For starters, I am still sitting upright.
In the past a derailed day would be me lingering in my bedroom either sitting on the edge of the bed repeatedly taking my pulse ox, heart rate and blood pressure along with logging symptoms, praying and listening to my heart and capped by laying down on m my bed in despair.
THAT’S derailed. I could do that for days. Last year, I did.
Now, I hate it. The feeling of the room shifting for a split second. The heaviness of my hands and what feels like the difficulty of my fine motor-skills chugging along. I hate the feeling of my neck tensing and my body seems to have a delayed response to the commands it receives – or is it that the commands are delayed. Chicken and the egg for me. Who knows.
Sometimes I feel like its difficult to swallow during this time period and I try not to focus on it. Instead, I have to push forward. I have to remind myself that EVERY single test I have had – and I have had THOUSANDS of dollars worth of testing – show me right down the middle of normal. People would kill for those test results and I have them at the estimated cost of $30,000.
So during moments like this I spend my time reminding myself of those results. I spend my time reminding myself that I am healthy, that I have felt this exact way before and been fine. I pray and I try to keep doing things that are moving me forward. I refuse to scamper to my bedroom and I refuse to wallow like I did the last two years. I refuse.
Now, sometimes being stubborn works and I sail out of it while other times it propels me deeper into the abyss. I get dragged into a deeper version and have to resort to prayer and time to bring me back out of it. Sometimes its late and going to sleep resets the clock.
Regardless, it is a far cry from where I was.
Does this mean I am cured? Clearly not. Does it mean that I am on my way? Clearly so.
I make myself reflect on worse times because it reminds me how far I have traveled. It reminds me of the grueling road I had to take because human nature wants to delete those experiences from our intimidate recall. We really want to be well and be happy so that nasty struggle – once we are feeling something different – it seems light years away when it wasn’t.
I was talking to Counselor today. and we discussed the differences in my life.
Last year my employer and those that they allowed to act on their behalf – were working overtime trying to destroy me in any way possible. I was the undesirable in the ranks and they wanted me gone and if that meant I was going to drop dead from the stress – they were willing to achieve their goals at that cost. They came pretty darn close.
I was just about to the point of medical leave and within a month, was on it. Symptoms were destroying each and every moment in my life and the life of my family. Every moment – awake or asleep – was riddled with their torment. That was a year ago and it was the second year I was dealing with it!
My life revolved around trying to stay upright, trying to push my way through each day, trying to be productive so they couldn’t set me up – and boy did they try – and trying to keep my bills paid, food on the table and a roof over my families head.
Two years I lived in this agony.
Last year I was emotionally depleted. I was wounded and confused. I had no idea why they hated me so much when all I did was my job. I did it well and I made them a lot of money. Those that stole time, product and cost them money were secure (and are still employed) with their jobs. I didn’t steal time, product, money or anything else.
So through the year I suffered. Once I went on medical leave things improved slightly until it was time to review my absence and then I sank fast and hard. Once it was determined that I should take more time, I improved slightly only to fall again.
Once I returned to work, they combined forces and fired me. I filed a legal complaint and the rest will be figured out from there.
I challenge any of them, any of the lawyers or judges to walk 2 years in the spiked shoes that I did and see if they make it out alive let alone in one piece.
So fast forward to now.
I have brief moments where I can experience actual happiness. I smile and be pleasant most of the time but inside I am actually dying. I just don’t like to make a scene.
At my new job, they tell me I need to be more self-assured. I need to have confidence and want me to work on my self-esteem. That is a huge statement as to how much damage they did and how much work I have left to do to recover from it.
So what do I do about todays little set back?
Well I know that I have to keep trying to push forward. My first response is to resort back to what I used to do. Bedroom, stat checking, praying, worrying and waiting.
Today I went to the store. I was nervous but I went. I want to run to my room but I am sitting with the family. I am pushing myself to remember that I go through this stuff. I am forcing myself to plan my symptom free day for tomorrow because if I go backwards or if I stop trying to make sure I live my life the best I can – the I am letting what those people did – continue to destroy me and that just wont do.