Healing


Starting a new job with a new supposedly amazing employer is like meeting someone new after a super nasty drawn out divorce.

This new “person” is everything you wanted the last person to be. But you just can’t allow yourself to believe or invest in it.

The wounds are still open and raw. The emotions are bubbling and hard to reconcile.

As you move through your day you hope you’ll be able to let the last place go and see what the new place has to offer.

Could there REALLY be a PRO-employee place?? Or is it smoke and mirrors?!

I hope its real because the last place beat life out if me in a way I never thought possible. If this is real, maybe it will help heal the damage they’ve done.

Life


It all passes by so fast. It was about 13 years ago when I brought her home in my coat. It was snowing and I didn’t want her to be cold. She would poke her head out and peer up at me but she never moved. She was content being buttoned up and close.

We went to the humane society to look. We had no intention of adopting and I actually wanted her brother. But spouse wanted her so we all met in a room.

It took her forever to warm up enough to approach me. Once she did, that was it.

She has adored me since and she is one of the first dogs I’ve been mature enough to actually see the love in her eyes.

She follows me every place I go and sits with me even when it’s clear she’s uncomfortable.

I love her and I see our time is nearing the end. It’s so painful. It wasn’t long ago we lost another and to think she’s leaving too – it’s unbearable.

I saw her wobble while she walked and witnessed the confusion in her eyes as she glanced at me seeking understanding or comfort. Maybe both.

I hoped my eyes were playing tricks on me but we all know they weren’t.

This little dog whose been my biggest champion since the day we met – grew into a protector, a clown and a best friend – is leaving and I don’t want her to.

I pray she knows how deeply I love her.

I pray – provided she is in no pain or misery – can wait a while longer. I’m just not ready. I’m not over the last one. I’m not over the pain and torment of my issues with work and I’m sure as hell not over the anxiety it caused. I need her – but only if it’s not going to do harm to her. I feel selfish but – she has watched over me – and me her for 13 years…..

With all that has happened and is happening – I don’t know that I can withstand another painful blow.

I was fired 3 days after my dog died in August. I went to work the day after because I didn’t want to leave them in a bind….I regret that decision. They didn’t deserve the additional torment being at work caused. I had given them over a year with panic and anxiety wreaking havoc on a daily basis. It was torture.

I regret pushing through – for them. I worked on days I felt the room spinning and wanted to be sick. Working even harder – allowing them even bigger payoffs than before….for what?

For me to miss valuable time with my dogs that as I watched him take his last breath…and will with her….wish I never let that precious time be wasted on such a terrible company and even worse group of people.

I listen for her breaths and take a deep one myself because she’s still here….

My hope is that she will be for many more days to come.

She is what matters in this life and I’m so sorry I chose working many hours for weeks and months without days off for such a worthless group – when I could have spent it with her and the others.

I can’t get that time back but I can sure make sure she knows she is adored in the time she has left.

Terror


I hate how you can determine what is happening in my life by the amount of symptoms I am having.

  • PVC/PAC like I haven’t seen in a few months. Regularly irregular beats/skips/thumps and thuds.
  • Disequilibrium – thought not as prevalent as most other times. I think I am distracted by my heart.
  • Chest pain of various forms. Aches, pinpoint pain, heaviness, full feeling, radiating. It changes frequently.
  • Difficulty breathing. I know I am breathing with my chest which is a sign of anxiety. Trying to switch back over is nearly impossible at this point but I keep trying. Taking deep breaths has brought on additional thumps and bumps so even that is stressful.
  • Anxiety is a given isn’t it?
  • Tight neck and shoulders – also to be expected.
  • Gastric bubbles and turning. My stomach and chest cavity sound like the Titanic is scraping past the iceberg. Which is promptly followed by skips and extra beats.
  • Feeling weak. Its hard to tell if it is because of my heart activity or anxiety. Likely all of the above.
  • Fleeting feelings of being faint. Same as before. Maybe heart activity or anxiety or both.

This is how you know that my former employer has either come up in conversations or made some other appearance in my life. It is why I firmly believe I have PTSD from them. It happens every single time. Tonight it is off the charts but so is their appearance back in my life. Things are moving forward and my body doesn’t want to deal with it. Neither do I.

Like I said last post, when you spend so much time being beat down and you start to believe what you are being told – it takes its toll on you in every way possible. I fear that this reentry in my life will push me back to where I was at the beginning of the year. I don’t know if I can go through all of that again. I don’t think I can. The last year or so of my life changed me. It weakened me and I don’t have another one of those left in my soul. I just can’t go through that again.

I was near bedridden a majority of the time. I couldn’t spend time with my family and friends. I couldn’t tolerate being out in public for any longer than short trips that were meticulously planned and scampered home the moment I could or the second something went awry.

My spouse and child suffered. I suffered and those that knew me suffered. I was a total and complete shell of myself. I think if I have to face that again, I just wont make it.

Then there are the thoughts of what is happening. The company is circling their wagons and we will be locked in an endless display of the terribly destructive game; He said she said –  with facts, figures and documents to back up each side.

It is a losing battle on both ends and I really do not want to be in it. I am not someone who relishes the thought of destroying others. Even if they deserve it. I am not someone that wants to battle with you – even though you deserve it. Most importantly, I am not someone that wants you to suffer the anxiety and panic that I have – that you caused – even though you deserve it.

I do agree that when this makes the news, my name will be forgotten but the company will continue to answer for their actions. Unfortunately, I do agree that in this case, that should happen if for no other reason than it will ensure the company takes the steps to prevent this type of workplace bullying in the future.

In the end, nothing is going to fix the fact that I cant take the stress. Nothing will change the fact that every 4 seconds my heart skips some beats. Its terrifying and I sure hope I live to see the morning!

And so it begins….


I have had my old employer and their dastardly deeds in my life consistently over the last two days. I received notice in the mail that there are some investigations into the company going on.

I have had anxiety consistently over the last two days. Dizziness, feelings of fainting and the dreaded thumps bumps and skids of my physiology are in full swing.

Picture a carnival setting up. The Ferris Wheel is erected and starts to turn. It is usually the visual clue that a carnival is taking place because it sits so high, spins so slowly and lights up the evening sky. It is like a beacon telling patrons that the fun is just getting started. That is my dizziness or disequilibrium. It is the first thing to show up. It gets the other rides moving. I find it anything but fun.

The next thing to set up is the mini roller coaster. It is unfolded and bolted in. Test runs are conducted and deemed “safe”. It whirs and grinds along. It whizzes around and around. The slow tick tick tick as the cars climb the incline followed by the brief pause at the top before the cars rocket to the bottom, twisting and turning, thumping and skidding around corners before it comes to a slow crawl. That is my heart and its “safe” skips and extra beats. It is the driving force to this carnival and a clear indication that my world is getting ready to be set on its side.

Once the Ferris Wheel and roller coaster are operating the High Striker shows up. This is the midway game that patrons use a hammer to hit a plate sending a puck to the top where a bell is located. *DING!* “WE HAVE A WINNER FOLKS!” This is my blood pressure rising and falling every few minutes. When I stand, as I sit, if I move…I feel the fluctuations with emphasis on the low pressure. Standing too quickly makes my world go spotty and gray. It is also apparently “safe” as I haven’t passed out and fallen down stairs or wrecked my car…yet. “CLOSE but no cigar!” It is called Orthostatic Hypotension and I hate it. It makes movement and life close to impossible. You feel it in the car, walking, sitting or even laying down. It is prevalent with  my anxiety and was dominate when I had panic attacks. It grinds and wears on me throughout the day rendering me nearly useless.

As these symptoms whiz and whirl around me, I have to push forward living my life. Searching for a new job yields extra pressure as I fear I wont be able to control the carnival in a new environment. Suffering from PTSD from my previous employer makes it a difficult when thinking about facing a new job, culture and bosses. The worry over being damaged unemployable goods walks with me daily. My last employer made sure I felt that way each and every moment. Leaving employment hasn’t resolved it. I talked with Senior in great length about it. Another mistake in my attempts to remove their treatment. I assumed that if I let her know how deeply their treatment affected me, she might back off. I had no idea it was a death match because I did my job well. My worst day was better than several of my co-workers best days.

When people collectively conspire to beat you down, you lose a part of yourself. I’ve never had it happen so I have no idea if you ever get your self-worth and confidence back or not. I highly doubt you are ever the same. I feel weakened and I know they take a lot of pride and joy in that fact.

I review my life there and other than the fact that I had (key word there is HAD. They beat any self-confidence out of me) a strong personality. I haven’t any idea what their problem was with me.

I was told once by Senior Director that I scared them because they never knew what I was going to say. They didn’t feel that they could include me in their team because a lot of things were discussed and if I didn’t agree with some of them, I might do something about it.

She was right. If they were to talk about sabotaging an employee, I would say something. When Director made the statement that she didn’t want people with disabilities to work for them because she wanted “good workers” – I would have said something. When they collectively said that hourly workers hold no value other than being warm bodies and were “a dime a dozen” – I would have said something. So yes, your concerns were valid because those things are not acceptable and just because you hold a position of “authority” doesn’t mean you get to say and do those things.

When Senior told me that she didn’t think I would “have their back” – she was right if they were acting in the wrong and there my friends lies the crux of the issue. If you don’t do unethical things – why worry who has your back?

When I said I would have their backs if they were operating for the greater good but would be the first to stand up if they weren’t, that was the final nail in my coffin. Well, that and taking 12 weeks of FMLA for a condition they caused.

So, as we move forward through the process I am clinging to the walls. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to have to deal with it. I hate the chaos and inevitable symbolic blood bath that is about to unfold. I don’t want to have to relive the details of what they did to me. I don’t want others to have to relive their trauma either. It is something I do not look forward to and do not relish because you see, unlike them, I am not someone who relishes on the pain and misfortune of others. I don’t seek to destroy someone because they upset me once five years ago or even two minutes ago. I prefer harmony and peace. I prefer teamwork and helping.

So this path that we are all headed down is totally opposite from my natural inclinations.

In the end, I hope they each learn some valuable life lessons and the company makes changes to prevent those things from happening to another person.

 

Exiting Hell


It’s been two months since exiting hell. I’m still trying to get over the things they said or did.

There are moments I’m going about my life and a memory will flash across my minds movie screen.

I’ll relive the moment in vivid detail and become angry that they’ve invaded my space once again.

Moments are still ruined by them. Events are clouded by what they’ve done and daily life is still hindered by having been subjected to them.

As the moments play out I interject a strong objection. I take a tone of discontent during the scenes in an attempt to redirect my attention.

“They are pretty much out of your life. Let this go!”

Sometimes it works while other times it doesn’t.

I think when you’ve been repeatedly victimized by a company, by your leaders – it takes time to compartmentalize the traumas.

They undoubtably would take perverse joy in knowing they’ve continued to invade my dreams and derail my days. I on the other hand would be horrified if the tables were reversed. But, I’m human. They are evil.

Sue – Sue – Sue is all I hear. I understand it but it doesn’t make it any easier.

There is not enough gold, silver, platinum or material objects on this or any other planet to make up for what they’ve been allowed to do or they themselves have done.

They possess nothing to right their wrongs. Firing them and banishing them to a life of poverty and danger wouldn’t undo what they’ve done or been allowed to do.

People assume that means I feel nothing should be awarded to me and that I’m condoning their escape from responsibility. It’s not true.

I’ll likely seek “restitution” based on principal. I know money is their entire reason for breathing. They crave it. They will destroy someone to get more of it. So….it makes sense to punish them in a lasting and effective way.

A percent of your assets, your income and your future will be given to me.

Every time you write that check, you’ll remember that your actions require editing. Your work – regardless of who your father, sister or buddy is – isn’t your personal playground. It carries real life consequences.

Think before you do. Ask questions before you believe and above all, form your own opinions. Gang mentality is unattractive and incredibly damaging.

Someday they will grow up and the “mean girl” mentality will fade away. Or, karma will kick in and they will be subjected to the very treatment they have inflicted.

Skipping Along


Today I meet with a legal eagle to go over the last stampede at my former employers House of Torture and talk about the Mistresses of Destruction.

I’m not looking forward to it.

See, I am not someone who wants to churn the cauldron. I like things to be busy but harmonious. Well, as harmonious as you can get when you throw dozens of people in the mix.

I think about going to court and feel a deep and total sadness.

Then my heart starts skipping and skidding as it’s done during the entire last leg of my employment but rarely since leaving…unless I am forced to discuss or deal with them in any way shape or form. Again I will say, I have a wicked bosses/employer form of PTSD.

As I’m wrestling with my arrhythmia – I become a little displeased.

I’ve had stress in my life at one time or another but never once did my body and mind react like this.

My previous employment include working with very unpredictable violent folks and I never had the issues I do now.

That says a lot.

My medical bills exploded while my self esteem died.

So, yes, I’ll keep the appointment with the legal enforcer but only because you’ve stolen my life by thinking work is your personal playground where you can steal lunches and kick sand in faces of people that don’t cower when you walk by.

I’ll consider the options you laid before me by your wrong doing because my life as I knew it – is over.

Most states may be a at will employment but employees also have the right to stand up and say “No, that was wrong. You are wrong and here’s what needs to happen so you don’t do this again.”

People also need to be held personally accountable. Each of the 3 plus a few that allowed it have also given me options against them personally that I am supposed to consider.

As an employee, you – my boss – are held to certain standards that you repeatedly failed to meet. You chose to make personal attacks and unfortunately, you’ll need to learn to stay within your boundaries professionally and personally.

I’m told that if I attach myself to their assets and income for the next 10 or 15 years – they will learn a lesson no criminal charge can teach.

Yet

It saddens me to my core.

It’s not truly going to make up for what they’ve done. It’s not going to give me my self worth back. It’s not going to undo the damage they’ve done. It’s not going to give me the time I’ve lost back and it sure isn’t going to erase the pain and torment.

So I go consider the options while my heart skips and skids around like a teenager in dad’s hot rod doing donuts in an abandoned field and feel bad for being put in that position while I’m also displeased.

I want them and everything connected to them out of my life.

I have a reoccurring thought of saying “go ahead…get that couple million from the company, get that million from each of the dastardly trio, their bosses and board members…..take your fees, pay the court, give me 1% and start writing big checks to good charities for the rest.

In life, there are times there are decisions you have to make that you’d rather not. For me, this is one of those times.

Through this I have been unfortunate enough to hear just how people would respond if they were in my shoes. The majority would go for the jugular for all parties involved and say they wouldn’t bat an eye…..

Am I the only one that wants to cling to the wall as if I’m being put on a deadly roller coaster?

I don’t WILLINGLY want to get into a battle and especially not a battle like this.

All of their dirty laundry will be aired and yes, mine too. I own my mistakes but I’m not sure if they realize that once the truth starts coming out, employees from the past will jump on the coaster and cause it to pick up speed. Anything they have ever done like…..misappropriate resources for personal use…..will surface for all of the world to judge.

I wonder just how many of those incidents are out there….I wonder if you’ll own your mistakes?

So you see, this battle is going to be long and ugly. Yes, they made it happen but as a normal human being, I don’t relish it.

Someone asked, if you go forward and they offer your job back, back pay and can’t touch you ever again…would you do it?

No.

If millions of dollars can’t undo what they’ve done, returning to the scene of the crime with the same executioners sure won’t fix it.

My dream?

Reform. Restitution and accountability.

Reform:
They have to implement paid outside training for any supervisors at any level that will go over bullying, harassment, managing effectively and be required. Paid training. They would have to report to the courts or watch dog third party who has attended and be required to report any complaints or violations involving the subject matter.

Reform:
The dastardly duo reenter the hourly employee market as Team Leaders…if they remain employed at all. They are required to attend the classes they helped appear by being terrible people and their wage reflects that of those in the same role.

Reform:
The leaders that allowed it are terminated with no severance pay. New leaders are chosen 1/2 from within and under review by the watch dog organization – still required to attend classes and the other 1/2 are chosen from outside the company.

Fresh blood is needed to restore order and a sense of ethics. Also under review by the watch dog organization.

Reform:
All employee complaints go through the watch dog organization.

Restitution:
Pay people you’ve harmed. Be required to make an equal sized donation to the charity of their choice.

Restitution:

The dastardly trio and their bosses…be forced to personally (governed of course) hand write me a check each and every month until your ordered sum is paid – so you have a constant reminder of how your actions can hurt someone. Spelling out my name – will keep your actions in the forefront of your mind and will likely force you to change little by little.

Accountability:

Be forced to make your internal employee complaints public. This will force you to be truly transparent.

All of this wont undo the torment you’ve caused but it will ensure you think twice before you do it again.

Well, here I go…..