It’s like a divorce


You begin living your life. You start to settle in. You begin to breathe again when someone brings “them” up….

Your former bosses who tormented you and we’re the catalyst for your needed recovery.

You try to be polite and diplomatic and then they tell you things that have been said about you, your departure or things that were done you were kit aware if while employed in their regime.

The room shifts and you’re set back to zero.

I don’t engage in bashing…as much as I would love to. I try to take the high road and say things like “Well, just remember there are two sides to every story…”

I would love to let them know the truth behind the lies but its a no win situation if I do that.

It riles me up and makes me feel bad all over again.

I return to zero in my recovery from the PTSD Senior, Director, old boss and minion caused and it makes me angry. Also a sign I am at day zero.

My goal is to rise above them, their ignorance and conceit. To recover and do better than I could have ever done under their reign of terror.

I’m not a hateful person by nature but I do fight the urge to wish ill will on them. I let it go knowing God will take care of any things He sees as poor behavior or unethical. I rely on Him to judge and address them. It’s not my place but I am human and do need to fight the natural instincts to wish against them.

In the grand scheme of things they each are less than nothing and when I remember that, they disappear back to the past where they’ve placed themselves.

It’s a work in progress and I pray God allows me the ability to have a conversation where they may be brought up and dismiss it as quickly as their “importance” was dismissed the moment I left them.

Some people belong in the past for a reason – they’re not worthy of a moment of your present or future. Let them fade to the distance where less than nothing moments belong.

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Good Days Don’t CureYou


Yesterday I had an amazing day at work. Skeptical, but really, I should have been on cloud nine.

I was asked by Directors boss to come up with some solutions to our crisis…that childish non-professional behavior has faced us with…hmmmmmmm…..I WONDER where in the world THAT could have started…..

Anyway, Director was there with the others.

I developed a fairly extensive plan. In a day and a half.

They are implementing it completely. Right now.

So…..why the anxiety?!

It started Sunday. I wasn’t feeling great and decided to take a homeopathic remedy called Sedalia. It worked like freaking magic. Within MINUTES I was feeling so normal I was just about giddy.

The Directors boss called me Saturday and asked for my help/opinions. Really pumped me up. Confided in me, kept telling me I was their only hope to fix our departments mess. I was worried they were so upset. I like Directors boss. I don’t want Boss to fear unemployment and I think that’s what’s happening. So, as always, I’m happy to help but felt a HUGE sense of responsibility. It was now MY problem to come up (in a couple of days) with a solution to fix a problem my supervisors have created over the last few years. I was overwhelmed but really wanted to come up with a workable solution.

So Sunday i was bubbling a bit from anxiety and, i was tired so, I tried this Sedalia. It worked VERY well. I felt like myself. I could relax. I didn’t think about death every two steps. I wasn’t twisted with worry, panic or….anything.

8 hours of absolute bliss on 1/2 of a pill in a packet of 60….it would last me forever and it was safe. No drowsiness, no side effects. Is what the box said.

Then

8 hours later happened. As fast as the “new me” was replaced by the “old me” that morning….the “new me” flipped back in. Like someone turning on and off a switch. As fast as it left, it came back.

More so.

I thought for a minute that it was just being hypersensitive because for the first time since February, I was me again. Truly me. But then, it kept growing into full bouts of rolling panic attacks.

I fell asleep only to be woken with panic, which has never happened before.

I would repeat “this is panic” in my head and it would calm only to influx again moments later. This went on for hours!

I had 8 hours of bliss and 8 hours of sheer agony!

NOT WORTH IT!!!

I contacted the maker who of course said it was impossible that it was their product. Yet I’ve talked to 3 people highly trained in natural/homeopathic medicine who say yes, it sounds like a reaction. Albeit a rare occurrence, a reaction nonetheless. I contacted them to see if it was normal. That’s it. They rolled up the sidewalk and shuttered all of the windows because I’m sure they assume I’m seeking restitution.

Sure, I’d like my money back but I’m not looking to buy an acreage in the middle of Beverly Hills. I would just like my $9.99 plus tax back and thats not even why i contacted them. Jerks.

So I was told to drink a small amount of caffeine or inhale some mentholated scents like Tiger Balm.

I did both. Within minutes, it was much better. I guess homeopathic medicine is very weak. It can be derailed by those types of things. Who knew.

So I was better. But, I was not feeling well. Like a truck hit me. No sleep. Like I should have a fever but didn’t. That kind of thing.

My spouse felt the same way so we think it was coincidence that I felt so poorly the next day, but the trauma from the panic probably added to it.

So, on through the week. I did okay. I had what I kept trying to remind myself was “normal anxiety”. I was still ill at work Monday. I pushed through. I thought Boss and Director would be out that day. They couldn’t make it. So I figured it was normal to be anxious in this case. I still believe that.

Tuesday, nope. Can’t make it my boss was out ill. Wednesday boss out ill again. Finally, Thursday morning they came. Boss, Director, my old boss the Directors minion and my new boss (who actually hired me years ago and was my first boss here)

I pitched the idea and they embraced it. Very well. Unusually well. Like, suspiciously well…..

There is much speculation within my companies execs as to why they came to me, and why they embraced my plan. Without reserve. Without a power struggle. I gave it, they took it and IMMEDIATELY implemented it.

One theory is, they are all in the fire. The Boss and Director are on the chopping block. Our department IS that bad off….maybe.

One theory is that there is another opening in their group and have been told it WILL be filled with me so they have started to try to make me less resistant to them…..maybe.

One theory is that the position is open and they want to fill it with their suck up friend (who by the way is dressing better and trying to appear all boss like lately) and in order to do that, they devised a plan to keep me in my current position but make me a “training” manager where I pump out trained people that go to other stores. A constant morning, noon and night headache for me while the other managers sit back and enjoy the trained people…..that way I’m out of the picture and Suckup can be slid in…..LIKELY scenario.

However, what my bosses are not aware of is, the Executives are not going to allow that plan. It’s already blocked.

So, I never got to celebrate my “win” for proposing something I hope helps.

Instead it was shrouded in mystery and speculation. Boss didn’t tell their boss that I was coming up with a plan. Didn’t tell Bosses Boss that I was even approached or that the plan is being put into place.

Lord, when did it all get so….odd?

So, I fell asleep…anxious. Sad. I woke up the same.

Needless to say, I fear death a bit again. I think it’s my go to anxiety. I had disequalibrium yesterday after the meeting because speculation started immediately. I had to remind myself I’ve felt it before…a lot.

This morning….I just wish I would sleep until I have to go to work.

Spouse is STILL struggling at work. Making mistakes. Starting to act out. A matter of time before spouse quits or is fired. Pretty sure.

Irritating. Just do your damned job. Look what I have had to endure this year. You can’t do reasonable requests?!

But, I’m trying not to unleash. Thus, MORE anxiety.

So now, I’m going to try to go to the gym and walk on the treadmill. I’d like to start getting more exercise but I’m still afraid.

I’m not sure how NOT exercising will help me beat heart disease but….there is no reasoning with anxiety. It does what it wants.

Please Leave, Thank You


SO much has happened since my original plight that started with a carelessly prescribed medication in February.

Panic and anxiety showed up. Parked the RV, set up some lawn chairs and started taking over my life.

As you’ve read, I’ve fought a lot of battles. I’ve won some and lost a lot, all while my work environment was threatened by the daughter of the company President.

In the last month or so, I’ve had my fair share of issues. Disequilibrium, nausea, panic, anxiety, depression, fear of death, fear of living…you name it.

But

It’s been….dare I say….better.

I was yanked out of my old place, put in a different and very poorly functioning place and BAM, I am functioning a bit like myself with chunks where I’m not.

If I’m very busy, I do better. Sometimes I have to push through the feelings of panic and anxiety, but again, busy is better.

I’m busy a lot.

I’m not sure working 12-16 hour days is ideal as I do believe overworking can aggravate symptoms.

So can being tired.

I have also had very little exposure to the Director. Next to none actually. Ive FELT a bit more relaxed and less like my job is being threatened. Coincidence? Clearly not.

It all sounds axing right? Recovery MUST be right around the corner!

Um, no. My bouts are painful and disabling. I relapse every week to week and a half. Thursday, I relapsed through Saturday morning. Got busy at work and it was better.

This morning, I start to bubble. Pockets of panic and anxiety. So I take something called Sedalia because I read it was the opposite of everything I’m fearful of regarding medicine.

It was like someone flipped the “off” switch within MINUTES. I was stunned but almost giddy. I felt, dare I say…NORMAL!

We went about our day. I felt peaceful. I couldn’t believe it.

8 hours later…someone turned that damned switch back on and it happened just as fast.

Just as stunning. I still can’t believe it.

It FEELS worse, but maybe it’s because I had total relief and it was yanked away.

Maybe it IS worse. Who knows. What I do wish, is that it would leave and not come back.

I saw myself today. Now, I see the “new” me again. I hate it.

Chest pains, fear of sudden death, panic, anxiety, it’s all rolling around.

I can’t help but wonder why.

Did the homeopathic meds give me something my body loved and now it’s having a tantrum?

I pray when I wake up, it’s gone. I pray every day that those of us that suffer, find relief.

This stuff still sucks and I wouldn’t miss it if it were to leave.

Dinner, Death and Crawling Back into my Bed


Today I have numbness in my left arm. Top side, not under. I believe it stems from a pinched nerve but that doesn’t stop me from going to places that those with panic and anxiety go. It is never good.

I have googled the hell out of pinched nerves and think that is indeed what it is and not the other.

I also momentarily go to thinking that if I am going to die, then I cant do much about it. Carrying on and fretting isnt going to stop it.

And then, I carry on and fret about it.

We live these crazy lives in our heads/bodies and try our best to keep it from our spouses, children, co-workers and friends. My spouse usually knows when I am having panic because I get very withdrawn, have nothing to say, and refuse to leave my bed or the bath.

However, right now, I am forcing myself to be in the living room, typing and being “present” even though inside I feel like I am melting. My hands feel weak and my panic is just creeping along trying to decide if it is going to expode into a full blown attack.

I have been using the site Just Answers. You pay a monthly fee and ask any specialist questions. As you can imagine, I am blowing up the medical side of that service.

This cannot be normal.

I have asked every doctor about every question that my mind races to. Sometimes you have to wait a day for an answer which can be agony. Sometimes you get instant responses. Usually they are the easy ones.

So as I sit here, there is a tribute to celebrities that have died in 2012. That is something that is AMAZING for people like me to sit through and hear. By the end of the show, I will have every single thing that each of those people died from.

So I pause and think, what in the hell. What in the hell happened? WHERE DID I GO!

I am young. Why am I toiling away my days worrying about illness that I clearly do not possess as I would have been dead 5 months ago if I had them. This is so stupid I cant stand it.

For those that have managed to get away from this terrible ailment, hats off to you because you are stronger than I. You escaped this self imposed prison and that is amazing. That is a feat that those of us deep in the trenches can only dream of.

In the meantime, I have to eat dinner now. I dont care to but I really dont want my spouse to feel bad that dinner was made and once again, I am skipping out.

I dont know if any of you experience this or not but I cannot eat much any more. I can only stand small simple meals. I cant stand to feel full. I dont like being mostly or even half full. I can only stand to stamp out the hunger pains and then I want to be done.

Its not like I am anorexic or anything. Far from it, but the creepy feeling that comes from being filled is nothing I care to deal with.

Anyway, as the television drones on about who is dead and how they died and my family chatters about it, I just want to crawl in a hole and cover my ears but I have to eat dinner.

Panic Sucks