Legal Chest Pains

I have been worried about my heart the last few days.

Having PVC & PAC activity is always disturbing but it seems a little different lately. More episodes, stronger extra beats or like this morning, two quick episodes of sharp pain with them.

I am sure I have had pain in the past. A faint memory is lying there but I can’t wrap my full attention around it.

When you have sharp chest pains and you are someone with “health anxiety” (the polite term for hypochondriac) then it sets off all sorts of warning alarms that I have mentioned in past posts.

For those not familiar, it goes a little something like this:

Minding my own business

Pain or dizziness – something out of the norm – could be a twitch or twinge

All systems stop in their tracks while the mind and body “listen” for anything else to happen. If it does, that occurrence is analyzed fully and completely.

Analyzing an occurrence goes like this:

What was THAT?

It was a…..<insert symptom here>

I wonder if that is a problem!

<Insert symptom here>

There it is again!

Okay, it was a sharp pain. It was in the center of my chest.

OH MY GOD ITS A HEART ATTACK

~ Launch all systems GO evaluation~

Blood pressure cuff – on and inflating (please be normal, please be normal….)

PulseOx meter attached (DON’T look at it for 10 seconds because it is always off while it calculates. DON’T LOOK YET)

Blood pressure results – within normal ranges (Thank goodness….)

PulseOx within normal limits (Thank goodness)

Pause……

“I wonder if I did them right.”

Relaunch check of symptoms

Within normal ranges

“Oh thank God! But…what is that pain? I’ll just look it up on the Internet….”

FAIL

As someone with health anxiety (don’t be rude, that is what we are calling it. YOU can be a hypochondriac…I am NOT!) searching the Internet for what ails you is the kiss of….well…..anxiety or panic…we CAN’T say the other word or it provokes nervousness.

If you are not in a full-blown attack then, you will be within a few minutes of clicking and sifting through the best terrorizing medical information the web has to offer.

The thing is? We KNOW this yet…we do it again and again.

I did it this morning after my bout of chest pain. “I can’t go to the doctor so I almost HAVE to rely on the Internet, don’t I?”

Um, no but that doesn’t stop me.

I sit down on the edge of my bed facing the window. This is where I go when I start having anxiety. That SHOULD be my first clue but it never is.

I bring up the search engine. “Tell me what my death sentence is Dr. Google” I almost say as I begin my sifting.

One thing I have learned is to stay away from WebMD as it will ALWAYS tell me absolute death is impending. Paper cut? Can become infected leading to death. Hang nail? Seek emergency medical attention as you may die.

We stay away from WebMD but Mayo Clinic is my golden child of the “What am I dying of today” world.

Mayo Clinic tells me the facts but almost leans toward not telling me enough. They always throw in when to seek medical attention but it doesn’t seem as ominous as WebMd does.

So far it could be spasms in my digestive track, PVC/PAC activity just causing pain or…brace yourself, it could be anxiety.

So, I launch another round of vital checks and determine that if I am going to die today, I need to accomplish something worthwhile.

Instead, I start writing.

What I have learned over the last year of my life is that I have become a VERY anxious person. I was always a Type A personality before but never full of twists and turns like I have now.

My previous employer shares much of the blame of the creation of the mess we all see before our eyes.

Years of being treated poorly and differently than my peers took its toll but nothing like the last and final month of my employment after returning from FMLA. The torment elevated to amazing new heights as they clearly felt the need to retaliate for my absence and then plotted my departure.

I have YEARS of excellent service to that company and needed time off to put Humpty Dumpty back together again because I was torn down from all of your games and demands and you couldn’t get past the time off I needed so you termed me? Makes total sense.

I am being told that my life will be better without my involvement in that company, in that department and certainly in that toxic environment but while I wait for that “bliss” to hit, I am left worrying about medical insurance, life insurance and of course, the almighty dollar to pay my bills when I did everything you asked me to do.

One of the things about the culture I worked in was that they pushed “We will provide you with all of the tools you need to do your job effectively” yet when I reminded them that I don’t have the tools, I was written up. When I didn’t quit as they thought I would, they fired me.

 

As your employee you promised me that you would lead me with all stops removed, to the type of manager you wanted me to be. I did as asked, when asked and usually much better than I was asked to do it, and then you let me go?

That just doesn’t seem ethical. Considering the source, that isn’t a shock.

So today I am fighting my way through the worry that the after effects of your poor and tortuous treatment of me have caused permanent damage.

I pray. I hope and I know that God will take care of me but I also hope that I don’t “go” before I have something important to leave behind. I am not ready and hope God allows me the chance to do something of value for Him, and me.

 

 

 

 

Just keep going

How many times have we wished we had a magic ball? If we could only see the future or go back and fix mistakes or alter a path we took….

When I have days that my symptoms are taking over the place, like today, I wish there were a way to go back in time and alter the path that led me here. If I can even find it.

I would slow down or choose another avenue for work, home or hobbies.

Symptoms make life so much more difficult. Keeping appointments takes every ounce of courage and ability you can muster which can leave you depleted for the day.

I was told to force myself to keep commitments because it is one step away from being a hermit if you don’t. So, I kept commitments, “white knuckling” it the entire time. I think the doc was hoping that by doing so, I would be pulled back into an active role in my life.

The experiment hasn’t been successful so far. I just seem to keep spinning in circles unable to get out of the messed up groove and back to the highway of productivity.

It is SO strange to be in this place. This non-living, non-advancing place. It isn’t something we see for ourselves and when it happens, we are sidelined wondering how to fix it.

I fix things. It is what I have done as long as I can remember. This is different. It just isn’t anything I seem to be able to fix. I keep trying….I keep going….its all I can do while trying to keep the hope alive that one day I will step back into my life and use this as a way to help someone else.

HELP! It Got Me!

Panic and anxiety reared its ugly head. It started Friday. I’ve been doing well. Moving more at work, exercising a bit, venturing out. Then came Friday. I met with Therapist. I was cold or rattled during the session. I do not know which. We were discussing my step-son. That’s always a hot button. She gave me some helpful tips and suggested based on my descriptions, he may suffer from.aspergers. I read some information and signs later. He sure could be a poster child. Anyway, we ended agreeing to visit in a few weeks as we both felt I didn’t need weekly sessions. It had been a month since our last and I was doing very well. I left there and went to whole foods. Spent more than I planned or should have. Got ready to leave, found something else, got in line and waited. I was reading a gum label. Went to pick it up and had a short run of extra beats. It stunned me and I instinctively put my fingers on my neck to determine if it was truly extra beats or stomach grumbling because those with irregular beats do have dual issues. I’ll just say it…Gas can cause PVC/PAC beats. Any kind of gas. You feel a flutter then feel bubbles moving around or the other way around. It’s actually very reassuring if Youve been told your healthy and the ectopics are harmless. Anyway, I must have been there a few seconds because when I snapped out of it a clerk next to me was directing me to a clerk behind me. The customer she was with was also looking. I was a bit dazed. Then, afraid. I reasoned myself all the way home. Dizziness set in. Which, as we recall from earlier posts is a symptom of anxiety/panic for me. I got home and put things away, of course ran my blood pressure and listened to my heart rate. I had gotten so much better I lent out my pulse ox machine for a.few days. I was silently cursing this decision. So, I couldn’t check that stat, but seemed to be fine. I continued to have dizziness while I cooked dinner, but did it. My spouse came home as the symptoms had begun to subside. Yesterday at work I had a dizzy moment or two. Waves really. My dizziness isn’t typically room spinning rather wavy blips. I got home, had ice cream and a few mini kitkat bars – remember, I haven’t been eating processed sugar really… Last night at bed, I started having waves of panic and anxiety until I finally fell asleep. This morning I woke up and appeared to be doing well. Relieved, I suggested we go to breakfast. A few waves but I’ve decided it may be neck tension acting up again. We get about 5 miles from home and the waves become more noticeable. I fear them, panic and anxiety set in and we are no where near our destination. I’m worried about passing out. We get to our location, get seated and I’m all but in a full blown attack. For those that don’t suffer from these terrible things its a little something like this: Everything feels like a 3D movie. You’re seeing it, but not really a part of it. The noise is maddening but you really can’t make out anything specific. Your mind is on overload thinking about how you’re not breathing right, you feel dizzy, almost faint but why…you begin running down the possible reasons as you sit and try to focus. Everything close up is more blurry than usual. You’re trying to read a menu but now evaluating the blur, mind you, you’re still running checks and balances on feeling dizzy, hearing chaos and activity around you while fighting heart and soul to appear fine….. But you’re not fine. Your spouse is talking and you’re doing your damnedest to interact but only offer nods, grunts or yes/no responses. (It’s all you’ve got. Your mind is busy analyzing two or three other things attempting to determine if you’re in life/death danger or in anxiety/panic, and if so…what caused it and how to cure it) You feel guilt stricken because you’ve had to talk with your spouse about being in the edge of a full blown epic melt down. The waitress wants your order but now You’ve gone from hungry to nauseous. You have to eat, you choose the least offensive. Oatmeal. As you wait for your order to arrive, your spouse tries to keep conversation moving to take your mind off of the world and thoughts and emotions swirling in and around you. Your food comes and you eat what your body will allow, which is very little. You’re fine with it. Your guilt wells and you wonder your spouse will get sick of it all and leave you for something you just cannot help. You quietly think “I wouldn’t blame you if you did…but….please….please don’t…” It’s freezing in here, which makes it all worse. I cannot tolerate being cold very well. Your spouse sees your duress and offers to pay for everything and take you home. You lurch inside. You would LOVE to do that! But guilt keeps you seated. You just can’t do that to them. Your mind wanders to the possibility and its then, you realize, “I think I’m okay, I’m just in panic and anxiety.” It doesn’t cause it to cease, but it does cause it to quiet down a little. The deafening roar of the other diners quiets down, the visuals going on around you make more sense, the blurry vision becomes a touch more clear, your breathing is less of a struggle and your spouse is having a larger response from you. But the guilt…humiliation…. It stays. We eeked through a few errands by agreeing that I will go here…and then decide if we need to go home. I’m okay so…I’ll go here….then decide. I sat in the car for most, but at least my spouse was able to accomplish what they wanted to and I had time in the car, in the sun to pray and try to find some centering. We get home and everything feels a bit better. The dizziness is there but absent is the terror and fear of suddenly passing out along with images of EMS rushing in. I’m able to rationalize that I have been laying in a positon for the better part of two weeks that hyper extends my chin toward my chest. I relax in the bath this way, I’ve laid in bed many times this way, all the while knowing that previously, this position caused cheek and jaw numbness along with dizziness. The exact symptoms that have me reeling. I further recognize that I carry tension in my neck and shoulders. If Youve read previous posts, you know my job drives me to the brink on a daily basis. My tension is crazy. I clench my jaw and suffer from symptoms of TMJ. This is a fact. TMJ has dizziness as a common symptom. On top of all of that, I haven’t been drinking as much water, ate sugar, haven’t been getting as much sleep as I need, sit on this silly phone in a poor posture and SWEAR I do/don’t do all of this innocently. It’s a tornado of events that single handedly could provoke the issues I have had since Friday. Yet, to a panic/anxiety sufferer, it ALWAYS means demise. Always. So, what to do? Well, I took 3 ibuprofen, I’m hopefully sitting back in a more neck friendly position, though it likely isn’t. I will get off of this phone and stop looking down. I am considering ice on my neck but truly detest being cold. It provokes an odd form of anxiety for me. I will CONSIDER a massage but, the last one caused a pinch nerve that forced me to deal with the very facial/arm numbness I fret about right now. I’m fearful it will aggravate the condition. I ponder a chiropractor for a minute. I just don’t know what’s best…. Most importantly, I’ll continue to pray for guidance and relief, along with the world, people I know, and don’t. So for now, my panic is gone and “all” that remains is the anxiety of guilt, fear of panics return and worry over which method will alleviate my numbness and waves of dizziness. For those that read this and know EXACTLY what I’m writing about…hang in there. We have to support each other and do things when we are able while not beat ourselves up when we just can’t. The sun will come up tomorrow and maybe THAT is the day we walk away from this forever!

Dont poke a stick at it

So I begin today. I wake slowly a few times through the morning. Today is a day I am able to sleep in and I absolutely do not want to wake up at my regular time. I drift in and out enjoying the quiet and sighing to the fact that I am actually able to stay in bed.

Reality starts to fade in and I wish it would stay asleep too. Flashes of the day before start to intrude on my bliss and before you know it, the last 45 minutes of what could be quiet, calming sleep, are assaulted by blips of discussions, incidents, fears and fretting. Now, I, am, awake.

My spouse was upset yesterday because the new job is difficult. The supervisors pulled my spouse in to the office and had a 30 day review. As a manager myself I think, ut oh, as soon as I hear the news. My spouse starts to, with great stress, relay the meeting.

Not so good news. They like you…but. There it is. The lurching but.

Now, the fact that I am in the midst of a back slide in my own deal-eo, does not make listening to this any easier. I am trying to focus on what is being said as numbness drifts to my left arm and face. I start to panic a little but try very hard to hide it and remain neutral. My spouse is now crying stating that they feel like a failure as I fight to remain in the here and now, and not concentrate on my impending sudden death.

I try to comfort my spouse because after all, there are real issues there too. My spouse has suffered from anxiety and depression for years. Disability was the only source of support until my spouse didn’t send the paperwork for the review back and was dropped off. I was furious when I found out.

My spouse doesn’t do well at work. Never has and we have been together 14 years. I hear about all of this success pre-melt down and am amazed its possible. People skills, great unless you are someone my spouse does not care for and then its all over. Forever.

So as my spouse is talking about having trouble seeing the forms and completing the work, I flash to a month from now and realize, my spouse is going to be fired.

I am angry yet understanding. It is a weird mix. You want to be compassionate but by the same token, you want to freak out. Computers have never been a strong skill for my spouse and this job requires some basic computer skills. Eyesight is an issue and macular degeneration runs on the paternal side of the family so, I worry this is something coming along as well.

Now, before I continue, let me just make this statement. I am truly a kind hearted person who loves my family. I am giving and believe in a world with Good and God. There are things in this world and life that sometimes people just cannot help.

Having said that….

I am frustrated. I see a near future where I am the only income. Again. Now we are worrying about the limited vision so that means no driving for my spouse. So, I am now the only income and the only form of transportation that my spouse will have. What about doctor appointments, the grocery store, outings and other things? It is a lot to fret about.

For better or for worse. I embrace that. I do. But it doesn’t keep me from being fearful that I am not in a position at this time in my life to handle the for worse part, because right now, I am in the midst of my for worse and I want to get away from ME!

Lets also ponder for a moment, other posts where I have relayed conversations where my spouse has been just short of a jackass with my for worse part. I am sure it is unintentional but jackass is jackass, even if it is by mistake.

Dont get me wrong, I am not divorcing my spouse because of a job loss or loss of vision. That is crazy talk. I am ranting that in the midst of the worst now 7 months of my life, I don’t know if I can cope with big drama on the other side right now. I am fearful that a job loss or devastating news about my spouse will seal my fate and I will be forever loony.

The same can be said for my prison of a job.

I had a phone interview yesterday with another company. I will have a face to face interview at the end of the month for a job that pays almost 16k less a year but has a rep for a great place to work, great benefits and would actually have me OFF on the weekends. I would also not work later than 6p. However, 16k less a year when the spouse is likely going to be unemployed before the first snowfall…..I may be chained to my current hell for a longer period. Of course, that’s unless they get rid of me first. I am sure with every review and every increase they think they could get someone cheaper and that hasn’t lost heart. Because frankly, they have stabbed me in mine so often, I really have nothing left.

I wonder, if I left, will they care? Will they know I am leaving because of how I have been treated all of these years? Will it matter? Likely not.

The Director has been normal lately. Pleasant really. My boss has been absent for several weeks. Not from work, just from my work. It has been nice as I was ready to pop with a weekly or bi-weekly visit to drop in and say the same things. Now if visits happen, I am sure it is when I am gone.

I think about losing that job and wonder if I will care. I wonder if it will actually send me over the edge. It may or it may actually bring me back from the brink. It is such a hostile environment that it amazes me that the people in the ivory offices are really SO out of touch that they don’t see it.

Then I wonder, should I just leave a sue them? Should I sue them for $1 just because I need to make a statement about how terrible they treat people? How they have turned me in to this absolute shell of who I used to be or could have been?

I am irritated that they treat people the way they do and think it is okay.

They fire some people for ethical lapses that yes, should have been fired, no mistake about it. Then I wonder if they are evaluating WHY these people, after SO many years are making these terrible decisions?

Do they understand that beating people down day after day, having as many changes as our company has had over the last few years, demanding more more more with no understanding of the burn out it causes, do they think just MAYBE some of this may be why people with 8 or 10 years of tenor are taking a path they have never taken before?

I have been there 8 and I have been beaten to DEATH by them but no, I would never steal. I wouldn’t do the things that others have done but I also couldn’t care less about them. I care about my employees and their well-being but as far as the oppressors go, it wouldn’t phase me if they left and never came back. It wouldn’t upset me if I made a job transition to another company for the same income. I would fill by box and book it out the door yelling “SEE YA!” on the way out.

So with all of this going on, it is no wonder my anxiety and panic are back to manifesting themselves in worry over my health. That is how I express my fret. Health anxiety. I highly recommend staying away from it because it will drain you fast!

So today, I get up, go about my duties that I have to meet and then return home. I gave myself a haircut. (Do not assume that I went Brittany Spears, I have cut my hair for years and never chose to go bald but thank you for your concern)

I showered and came in my room. My goal for the day has been to NOT lay down but stay seated or moving. I decided I was having anxiety so I am writing instead of obsessively checking my blood pressure and pulse ox. It is like an addiction. If I want to get out of the habit, I have to stop doing it.

Besides, I am functioning. I am tired and want to nap but should go in to work. I don’t want to and am considering just starting my new-found resolve to stay busy, tomorrow.

When you are functioning okay, limited dizziness, some “unreal” feelings but over all, functioning, it is silly to take a blood pressure and risk undoing what is functioning. I WANT to take my bp, but then I think about last week when I did and how I took an okay week and turned my life back into constant panic and worry.

If you are functioning, don’t poke a stick at it. Continue to function until you can’t. Then, poke the stick because you’re already down, whats more going to do?!

So, as I finish my ramble, I have glimpses of hope that I can be productive and get my homework done today. Of course it would involve actually DOING the homework for which at this second, I am too tired to do. I think I will see if I can take a nap. If not, homework and maybe work it is.

For the rest of you who have the affliction that I do, I pray that you find peace and calm. Even if it’s just for a few hours. I am praying that your hours lead to days, to weeks, to months and to years.

This world is in shambles and life is not easy. With prayer and luck, maybe, just maybe we can get back to normal. We can feel good. We can experience true joy and happiness.

Those are my prayers for you. And me.

12 days SEEMS like longer

I looked at my posts and saw July 29th as my last one. Unless you count the one hung up in drafts, but that’s gone. I thought “WOW!!” Thinking it was like a month or something. “I am REALLY doing better!” I looked on the calendar. Okay, maybe not AS well, but 12 days is good.

I neglect to include the 10 minute melt down out of the blue Sunday. It was 10 minutes. I argue that it shouldn’t even be included. But my mind disagrees. Whatever. It controls EVERYTHING anyway, I guess its right.

I forget about these silly moments spent fretting over stroke. It’s being anxious, not in a panic. It shouldn’t count either.

In reality, I am doing better. I think about earlier this year and remember that nasty closed in fear from hell I fought every minute of every day and want to hug God for letting me get away from it.

A quiet hot bath is my coping mechanism when panic is out of control. I was in and out of the tub so much I should have had fins.

I take one, maybe two a day now. Not usually because of terror but because being clean matters and I decompress a bit.

I’m mostly off my blood pressure and pulse ox monitoring. I do it once in a while but not all day every day like before.

I still Google health worries but not as many, as much. However, right now I’m fretting over stroke…again.

I have a new eye twitch with some mild numbness in my left eye. Some mild numbness near my ear and cheek. It automatically creeps to stroke.

My health is very good. I have next to no markers FOR stroke and always suffer tight neck, shoulder and back muscles. I get Twitches with stress and my water and diet have faultered this week. I had a pinched nerve in my back that had a mild numbing in my face and arm. I’ve irritated it and that could also be a source as I feel the tension and strain in the same spot. If I stretch it and isolate the area….twitch and numbness. All signs point…..

Many OTHER reasons to engage that are NOT stroke related…but…to me, stroke is on my radar and that’s it and I’m anxious.

My spouse has finally found s job after months of trying! You would think a huge weight was lifted but until the work weeks get going and I hear its enjoyable or at least tolerable, I worry. It’s in leasing which is a no mercy field so again, until we establish that closing ratios are not a big push, I worry.

Leasing gives you maybe 6 months to survive if you are not a seller. My spouse is NOT a seller.

So, I hope this is a place that shares the closings so my spouse will still be employed years from now….

I have started seeking solid leads to employment out of my department but within my company. I have an app out right now for another position. If I am not chosen, at least the execs know I’m looking and maybe that will spur a positive change for me.

I was exposed to the Senior Director (whom I’ve known for years but until we mini bonded over issues with the director or some concerns about the company, she didn’t have a very favorable reaction to me, which I am sure was by design of the director), working with her was fun. I was also with the Senior Directors sibling who actually hired me years ago. She hated me (still can). The Director was there, my boss (who follows after the director like a mean girl fan club) and my co-workers.

I dreaded it all last week. It actually was good for me.

I had one incident where my boss was deliberately being an asshole to me in front of everyone but I’m trying to blow that off as her trying to impress the Director.

The Director was awkward but not over the top as she has been. She bum rushed me yesterday to pay me for boot camp. So weird since she tells people how terrible I am…

Anyway, it was enjoyable and good in that we were all exposed to each other so maybe the myth of me being what the Director has told everyone can be torn down.

So, its time to start my day. I’m supposed go be off but have to go in to work. I promised my spouse the Farmers Market and immediately felt pressure because my spouse wants to make a plan for the day. I am still not on solid ground.

When I expressed that I wanted to do the market and needed to drop in to work but more than that felt like being pressured, I saw clear irritation. When I addressed it, I was told everything was fine. But, we spent the rest of the night pissy.

I can make a few plans now. But not an entire day. I fear ruining the day with an attack and having to come home.

I get that my spouse starts work Monday and I can see that shopping is what the true desire is but honestly? My spouse has SO MUCH shit that my bedroom looks like a wreck. We have one room I can’t use because clothes and crap is all over.

I used to keep things neat but there is so much, I gave up.

My spouse is like Pigpen from the Charley Brown strip. Messy, unorganized, verging on hoarder.

Sometimes I wonder how much money we’ve spent shopping for shit we don’t need. I also know my spouse is much warmer when we shop and is chilly when we don’t. I’m told that I’m imagining things, but I’ve tried it out. It’s true.

I don’t like shopping. There is too much extra in this house. If that were all gone, my spouse kept things tidy and we needed something then fine.

So, as anxious as we were to start the day yesterday, we are still asleep.

I wonder how spouse will do next week when we have to be up for work….

Second opinion and new hope?

So I saw another Cardiovascular Doc yesterday. He instantly outshined my first one.

He was present for each test. He reviewed my information right away, WITH me.

The end result is, he concurred with Dr. 1. I have harmless PVC and PAC heart activity.

My tests all looked great said I was very healthy. Lose some pounds, become even more healthy.

I could have leaped off of the table and hugged him, had I not been wearing a gown, open in the front and taped shut…

He did prescribe a beta blocker but said I would have to take my bp several times s day because my heart rate and bp are say an athletic level so passing out is a possibility.

Upon much reflection I have chosen not to take it. If I’m healthy, then I can put up with the tunks.

So off I went, a new lease on life. Chest pain and all.

So I’m in this awkward place. I still have anxiety and had a wave of panic. After all, I’m still under the rule of the Director and her Egor. (I really need a new reference. This one seems so mean…suggestions welcome)

I went to HR yesterday to go.d out about another issue and wound up spilling everything. I’m glad someone outside of my department knows but also said I don’t expect anyone to do anything about it because after all, the Director has high ranking relations in the company. We are all screwed.

So here I sit. New dawn of a new day or new dawn of a “typical” day?

Health panic aside, I still have to enter the tomb of defeat (work) but I’m trying to be positive….until they find out and beat it out of me…..again.

Well here we go again

So yesterday I obtained my cardiology medical records for the second opinion I am getting on Monday. Of course I had to dive into them the second I got in the elevator and then pour over them once I got home.

I was just about to the end of the stack when I thought “Well, its exactly what she said. No surprises here.” until I got to the last report where I saw that during my 48 hour monitor reading I had one instance of A-fib. Fib’s scare the hell out of me. I also saw a word Tachycardia. I freaked before I could see that it wasn’t the dreaded and deadly V-tac rather Sinoid Tachycardia, which is a fancy word for electric issues in my heart. I knew.

So since the A-fib and near death Tachycardia scare I have been clinging to the ceiling. I “monitored” my heartbeats through out the night while I was sleeping. I was always aware as to what it was doing. I am hyper aware today. I have had a chest pain or two…which I was getting all of the time at the height of my panic (which incidentally is when I was wearing the 48 hour monitor) and I read that A-fib is not uncommon during panic attacks. Stress can induce them, illness can induce them…..I can induce them. Yet, I am terrified….and likely….going to induce them…which is terrifying.

So, I am back in my OCD circle. I broke down and did blood pressure this morning. Repeatedly. Pulse Ox. Repeatedly. I left the bp cuff at home, damn it. In a moment of being rational I thought it best for my mental health to leave it at home or I would be attached to it all day. Well, now I want to go home and get it.

I stood up this morning and felt dizzy so I took my bp. It was in the high 90’s so of course, a little head rush. I hadn’t eaten anything and spent the night toiling over my heart….so….what do we think is going to happen?

It just aggrivated my fear.

I have a touch of something in my lungs this morning. Its been dusty at work and humid. I have allergies….but of course in my mind, I am wondering if I have a blood clot.

If you are exhausted reading this, imagine how I feel! I am SOOoooooooo draining on me. My spouse is a saint because for the last 3 days I have been having issues and the last 24 hours have been at a heightened state. I know its trying and I know its tiring but my spouse seems more patient right now…..then I worry about what that means. Do I really HAVE something wrong? Is my spouse afraid something IS really wrong? We could go on that for days. I have to stop it there and just say its because we talked and I think my spouse understands just how fearful this heart thing is making me and if I could wash it away and not be fearful, I sure would.

So, I am trapped at work today. Hoping I can break away to get my blood pressure cuff and hoping I can snap out of this. I took 1/4 of an Ativan about 1/2 hour ago. Ativan can take anywhere from 30 min to an hour to work, so I am hoping I tick down here soon. I need to be calm.

That’s the thing, we drive ourselves over the edge and then we medicate to bring us back down until we drive ourselves over the edge again. It is why I am really trying to do this without medication but I have had to medicate 2 or three times this week. I am getting the impression that it isn’t working.

Perhaps the Therapist is correct and I need to break down and do a maintenance medication so I can stay at a level 1 or 2 instead of this super highway of ups and downs. Its SO exhausting and I haven’t had a stretch of good days in so long that I cant recall what it was like. I have good hours. Good moments and nothing more. I miss waking up and not having a dark cloud over my entire life.

I do find it interesting that when I HAVE had to take medication, it is while I am at work. I seem to have the absolute worst times at work. I guess that isn’t a surprise though, considering that the Director and her minion are typically at the root of what ails me.

My spouse had a second interview yesterday. It is in real estate, the same field that started all of this. I have anxiety about that job being offered, accepted and then utlimately lost because it is a terrible field to be in. But, at least it was a second interview!

So as I thump and bump with my heart, feel dizzy, fear, numbness and a little sick to my stomach, I am going to try to push and claw my way through another day…I really have no idea how many more of these I can do before I absolutely refuse to leave my house. I hope I can stay on top of it before that happens. I feel myself slipping though. Its like trying to run up a muddy hill. You just cant quite get the momentum you need to keep going. You push and run with everything you have and with all of the effort, you slide slowly back to the bottom.

Its defeating and overwhelming, and I am tired.

Sometime I think if I just give in to it, I would be better. If I just lay down and stay there, maybe it will leave me alone. The more I fight, the harder it fights.

If you would have told me a year ago that I would be crippled by panic, anxiety and turmoil I would have said “I sure hope not!” and gone about my way, silently worrying that you were right.

I look back and there were signs. I noticed them but never thought they would all dogpile into a big blow up.

I had trouble coping with changes. When I spoke to people, I wrung my hands. (Think old woman sitting in a rocker wringing her hands with worry…thats how I was, but no rocking). I was in a constant state of panic and resolution over different things that happened last year. I would be wired up about something, get it resolved and just as I was starting to relax, another thing would happen. This went on for maybe 3 months solid. Once I decided to let the outside factors of fear not rule me, my mind turned against me and started attacking my body.

I had never had health anxiety before. Sure there were times I think I overreacted to injuries or illness. Sometimes we are babies. This is OVER THE TOP worry.

I hate it. I also have zero control over it and I think that is the common misconception about people with anxiety or panic. Mind over matter. Well, that is exactly right.

You mind controls everything that matters. If somewhere in the back of your head you doubt something, your mind can spin that something over and over and over until it becomes a monster hiding under your bed.

My monster is too big to hide under the bed. It doesnt bother hiding at all. People at work are starting to see it. “You look pale today”, well thank you very much because your fantastic observation has just sent me running to the mirror, checking my blood pressure and pulse ox.

“You look really tired today” well thank you for that. Now I am worried about those other things along with sleep apnea, iron and a host of other ailments.

The basic issue is that the dark places in our minds are controlling everything.

I hate it!

I think….

I saw Dr. Cbt today. I almost missed my appointment. I was at work and forgot.

He said I over educate, have an ocd approach to my panic and think too much.

I listened and silently disagreed.

When I get home I am going to research and Google his opinion because I’ve been thinking about it and evaluating it…and I think he is wrong.