Sadness


My skipped and extra heart beats (PVC, PAC) are back today. I hate them. Life is stressful enough – I sure don’t need these too.

It’s been a week since I was fired. I don’t miss them, that’s for sure. They are ridiculous people with a skewed image on how to conduct business. Popularity contests never proved to be great for business over the long run.

Today my heart is ping ponging around my chest upsetting me more and more. Some chest pains and some left arm numbness. It’s scary but I’ve been told as late as April that my heart checks out just fine. 4 months ago. I just have to keep reminding myself that its okay.

I received some legal papers in the mail. It’s just exacerbated the symptoms further.

It’s too bad life gets this way. It shouldn’t have to be do hard.

 

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Well, there it is


I was let go today. The Director made good on her promise. I reminded HR Lady as I gathered my things.

Senior was shaking like a leaf. I found it silly. You’ve wanted this so much and you appear to be terrified. Get your game face straight man. You sound scared which is distracting.

Harassment is over (well, the kind I’ll know about. I’m sure libel will continue).

Bullying is done. They can kick at dirt and fondly recall their hate of me.

Discrimination is complete. They got away with it….

Or did they.

Places like that are toxic and its only a matter of time before they are discovered and forced to make sweeping changes.

I can only hope that my departure will bring about a forced change in the way they are allowed to run rampant and lie.

“I know I am being ethical!”

If you truly know it….you don’t have to say it out loud. If you know you’re not or you doubt it….you repeat it because that is who you are.

Keep saying it because hopefully you will be that way some day…maybe you will actually BE ethical. Because right now? You’re fodder for the company. They snicker and whisper when you walk by because your department runs like a high school. You and the others are a clique of girls that were ignored or tormented in school…so you think you’re “popular” now.

Except….

You are the butt of jokes. I used to feel bad for all of you. Then I realized that you cultivated this atmosphere. You created this ugly culture and your employees despise you.

Karma

Karma will take care of you and them. Karma knows no mercy and when it’s ready, you’ll have to deal with the lies and deeds you’ve done.

After you’ve learned the lessons Karma tends to teach, maybe THEN you will be ethical.

But I doubt it. Bad people don’t change very often and you all are a step above the worst society has to offer. Ah, who am I kidding, you’re right there with them!

Great day for a visit


The Director paid me a visit today. I wish I had known, I would have gone to the store.

I was professional. Jovial and polite. Inside I just felt a sense of detachment and disgust. As the Director spoke and made decrees, I thought back to a time when I really had respect for this person. At first I didnt care for the personality. Immature and gossipy. The Director is still that way but it submerged for a little while and I forgot it was there.

The fact of the matter is, I thought the Director had gained some maturity and I appreciated that fact. I thought it couldn’t have been easy to change your natural instincts like that and was impressed.

What an idiot I was. There was no change, it was just hidden below the dark and evil surface that slithers around making demands.

As I watched the Director enjoy being in my department and clearly feeling empowered I wished it was a time in the past when I would have enjoyed the visit. Would have welcomed anything they had to say.

Once someone says untruths about you, it changes how you look at them.

The Director left and I felt like I needed a nap and a shower. All of that malice in one location can be tough to take. It zaps the energy out of you because you know the visit is simply to “record” what they saw while there and then visit again in a week to see if there is a change. The problem with that method is that no matter what IS changed, it will be followed up with no change to support the desire to terminate me.

No ethics. No morals. Grudge holding and vindictive. All signs of immaturity. Nothing has changed except the kid that didn’t really fit in during school, doesn’t really fit in now except someone slipped and gave them a little power and oops…..we are going crazy with it. 

That summarizes the lot of them really.

The spouse works for a boss much like this. I always say “Give them Senior’s card because they will fit right in!”

The sad thing is that at one time I would have shook the world if the Director needed it. Now, I would tape it down and hope it didn’t move because I am sure the request is laced with unethical twists and self-righteous motivation.

People have no patience and will step on another if it serves them.

It’s why I prefer animals. It is why it is painful when they leave. Today was a rough day. I kept picturing my dog and wishing he was still here. The house is so empty without him despite other people and other dogs. I think we are all still stunned and wishing it isn’t so.

His sister is nervous and needy. She wants comfort but isn’t sure how to get it. I feel bad. They just look for him and sigh.

On the way to work this morning I was overwhelmed with going to a place that I have served at the cost of my health and relationships – a place where a few people deem I have no worth any more and it suddenly becomes so – and I was overwhelmed with the continued realization that my dog is gone. My buddy. My calming spirit is off on some other adventure without  me.