When did life get so damned hard?


Admitted into the hospital yesterday. My life is….over.

I continued to experience numbness and decided I would call the neurologist to see what she thought.

I couldn’t get them on the phone as the answering service was still on 20 minutes after they open. So I dropped in to make an appointment.

After talking with them, the neuro came out and did a quick physical in the waiting room. Next thing I know, I’m being admitted.

If you’ve read my other posts, I’m terrified of meds, tests and just about anything medical.

So, the world is now spinning and I’m terrified.

I call my spouse and start crying. I get yelled at because I never mentioned I was going to the neuro or that I was having problems.

I was told how the boss was on vacation and no one else was there so leaving is out of the question. I hear how there’s a wake at 6 and the funeral Saturday at 10 and on and on.

I get angry and am told I shouldn’t take a tone.

Great. Terrified AND alone. Thanks. Great vows.

So, I’m admitted.

I sit and wait quietly in my room waiting for the nurse to come in. I look at the bed and wonder if this is the last room I will see.

The nurse comes in and asks questions. Allergies, height, surgeries….I answer with an aching heavy heart.

“Do you think I am having a stroke?” I ask clearly begging.
“I will be surprised, but we will know more after testing”.

We discuss the MRI. It’s closed. I’m claustrophobic. VERY. We discuss trying to medicate me enough to get me in. We agree that we will see…I secretly don’t agree.

She gives me a gown and I change.

No one is there. I have no one to call. I am alone and terrified.

I quietly wait for the testing to begin. And, it does.

Cardiology. Echo and bubble test. The is YOUNG. I ask if its ok. She says she can’t read them but…she didn’t see anything to worry about.

As cardiology is there, MRI shows up. Too early. They will come back.

Cardiology finishes, in comes blood. I see from her tag she is a level II and think, oh good.

Yeah, no.

6 sticks later…still issues. She says what she got will have to be enough.
Nice. I’m very confident and SO at ease…

In comes the nurse with a huge syringe full of Ativan. I’ve had Ativan before so I’m okay with it.

After the injection, I am pretty okay with anything. I decide, I’m ready to go.

I go through the MRI. It’s tight. I’m drugged, so, it’s cozy. I’m fine with it.

In my Ativan haze I decide I’m ready for this to be over. Go ahead. I’ve been on the edge of deaths door for months…in my mind.

I decide, through Ativan, I’m resigned to this being it. I look around. I’m in a hospital room.

The sun is setting. I have yet to turn on the TV. Kinda creeps the nurses that you don’t want the TV on. But I hold my ground.

I have no lights on. I just want to be. I want to just sit.

I’ve had a few more conversations with my spouse, all just as crappy and I realize….I’m sitting here. Alone.

My spouse didn’t drop everything and run to my side. My spouse started fight after fight with me.

My marriage….is over. This is unforgivable.

I’m facing what may be a stroke, and you give me a laundry list of reasons you can’t be here. You can’t be here while I wait to hear if I’ve had a stroke.

I say I understand you were the only one at work but, ya know what? I don’t.

I don’t because if it were me, I would’ve called my boss from the car.

So I sit and wait.

I hear the resident in the nurse station taking the MRI results over the phone.

I hear TIA, and then it’s loud. I can’t hear anything else. I expect him to come in. But he doesn’t.

For an hour….I’m left hearing TIA. To me..a kiss of death. We all know TIA’s are warning shots for a future stroke.

I have NO markets other than being now 20 pounds overweight. Nothing else.

How the hell am I going to fight this?!

Finally the attending and resident come in. TIA.

I’m told I have high cholesterol. Stunned. I ask what it was. 115.

Ummmm….what? It should be under 100.

Okay but it wasn’t a fasting test…it doesn’t matter.

Well, I sure bet it does a little. But 115 is fixable with a little tweaking on my diet.

“I’ve prescribed you plavix”

Isn’t diet change good enough? Perhaps but a stroke is imminent if you don’t take the medicine.

What?!

Here is a script for Paxil. You seem like an anxious person.

Think so? Admitting me for a stroke may INCREASE that.

And take a baby aspirin daily to thin your blood.

Out I go. I text my spouse and say I’m headed home.

I get home and make a quick dinner and make my spouses coffee for the morning. I figure I would just be nice and decompress.

In walks my spouse with some paper that’s been printed off of the Internet about TIAs and is furious I won’t look at it.

We fight for two hours about how I am a drain.

I’m heart broken.

In the morning, we discuss the fight and now I can say, you my dear are not a treat either. But I don’t tell you that you drain me. But you do.

My spouse is off to work. I’m left for the day and.

I truly am over it all.

When did life get so damned hard?

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Good Days Don’t CureYou


Yesterday I had an amazing day at work. Skeptical, but really, I should have been on cloud nine.

I was asked by Directors boss to come up with some solutions to our crisis…that childish non-professional behavior has faced us with…hmmmmmmm…..I WONDER where in the world THAT could have started…..

Anyway, Director was there with the others.

I developed a fairly extensive plan. In a day and a half.

They are implementing it completely. Right now.

So…..why the anxiety?!

It started Sunday. I wasn’t feeling great and decided to take a homeopathic remedy called Sedalia. It worked like freaking magic. Within MINUTES I was feeling so normal I was just about giddy.

The Directors boss called me Saturday and asked for my help/opinions. Really pumped me up. Confided in me, kept telling me I was their only hope to fix our departments mess. I was worried they were so upset. I like Directors boss. I don’t want Boss to fear unemployment and I think that’s what’s happening. So, as always, I’m happy to help but felt a HUGE sense of responsibility. It was now MY problem to come up (in a couple of days) with a solution to fix a problem my supervisors have created over the last few years. I was overwhelmed but really wanted to come up with a workable solution.

So Sunday i was bubbling a bit from anxiety and, i was tired so, I tried this Sedalia. It worked VERY well. I felt like myself. I could relax. I didn’t think about death every two steps. I wasn’t twisted with worry, panic or….anything.

8 hours of absolute bliss on 1/2 of a pill in a packet of 60….it would last me forever and it was safe. No drowsiness, no side effects. Is what the box said.

Then

8 hours later happened. As fast as the “new me” was replaced by the “old me” that morning….the “new me” flipped back in. Like someone turning on and off a switch. As fast as it left, it came back.

More so.

I thought for a minute that it was just being hypersensitive because for the first time since February, I was me again. Truly me. But then, it kept growing into full bouts of rolling panic attacks.

I fell asleep only to be woken with panic, which has never happened before.

I would repeat “this is panic” in my head and it would calm only to influx again moments later. This went on for hours!

I had 8 hours of bliss and 8 hours of sheer agony!

NOT WORTH IT!!!

I contacted the maker who of course said it was impossible that it was their product. Yet I’ve talked to 3 people highly trained in natural/homeopathic medicine who say yes, it sounds like a reaction. Albeit a rare occurrence, a reaction nonetheless. I contacted them to see if it was normal. That’s it. They rolled up the sidewalk and shuttered all of the windows because I’m sure they assume I’m seeking restitution.

Sure, I’d like my money back but I’m not looking to buy an acreage in the middle of Beverly Hills. I would just like my $9.99 plus tax back and thats not even why i contacted them. Jerks.

So I was told to drink a small amount of caffeine or inhale some mentholated scents like Tiger Balm.

I did both. Within minutes, it was much better. I guess homeopathic medicine is very weak. It can be derailed by those types of things. Who knew.

So I was better. But, I was not feeling well. Like a truck hit me. No sleep. Like I should have a fever but didn’t. That kind of thing.

My spouse felt the same way so we think it was coincidence that I felt so poorly the next day, but the trauma from the panic probably added to it.

So, on through the week. I did okay. I had what I kept trying to remind myself was “normal anxiety”. I was still ill at work Monday. I pushed through. I thought Boss and Director would be out that day. They couldn’t make it. So I figured it was normal to be anxious in this case. I still believe that.

Tuesday, nope. Can’t make it my boss was out ill. Wednesday boss out ill again. Finally, Thursday morning they came. Boss, Director, my old boss the Directors minion and my new boss (who actually hired me years ago and was my first boss here)

I pitched the idea and they embraced it. Very well. Unusually well. Like, suspiciously well…..

There is much speculation within my companies execs as to why they came to me, and why they embraced my plan. Without reserve. Without a power struggle. I gave it, they took it and IMMEDIATELY implemented it.

One theory is, they are all in the fire. The Boss and Director are on the chopping block. Our department IS that bad off….maybe.

One theory is that there is another opening in their group and have been told it WILL be filled with me so they have started to try to make me less resistant to them…..maybe.

One theory is that the position is open and they want to fill it with their suck up friend (who by the way is dressing better and trying to appear all boss like lately) and in order to do that, they devised a plan to keep me in my current position but make me a “training” manager where I pump out trained people that go to other stores. A constant morning, noon and night headache for me while the other managers sit back and enjoy the trained people…..that way I’m out of the picture and Suckup can be slid in…..LIKELY scenario.

However, what my bosses are not aware of is, the Executives are not going to allow that plan. It’s already blocked.

So, I never got to celebrate my “win” for proposing something I hope helps.

Instead it was shrouded in mystery and speculation. Boss didn’t tell their boss that I was coming up with a plan. Didn’t tell Bosses Boss that I was even approached or that the plan is being put into place.

Lord, when did it all get so….odd?

So, I fell asleep…anxious. Sad. I woke up the same.

Needless to say, I fear death a bit again. I think it’s my go to anxiety. I had disequalibrium yesterday after the meeting because speculation started immediately. I had to remind myself I’ve felt it before…a lot.

This morning….I just wish I would sleep until I have to go to work.

Spouse is STILL struggling at work. Making mistakes. Starting to act out. A matter of time before spouse quits or is fired. Pretty sure.

Irritating. Just do your damned job. Look what I have had to endure this year. You can’t do reasonable requests?!

But, I’m trying not to unleash. Thus, MORE anxiety.

So now, I’m going to try to go to the gym and walk on the treadmill. I’d like to start getting more exercise but I’m still afraid.

I’m not sure how NOT exercising will help me beat heart disease but….there is no reasoning with anxiety. It does what it wants.