It’s like a divorce


You begin living your life. You start to settle in. You begin to breathe again when someone brings “them” up….

Your former bosses who tormented you and we’re the catalyst for your needed recovery.

You try to be polite and diplomatic and then they tell you things that have been said about you, your departure or things that were done you were kit aware if while employed in their regime.

The room shifts and you’re set back to zero.

I don’t engage in bashing…as much as I would love to. I try to take the high road and say things like “Well, just remember there are two sides to every story…”

I would love to let them know the truth behind the lies but its a no win situation if I do that.

It riles me up and makes me feel bad all over again.

I return to zero in my recovery from the PTSD Senior, Director, old boss and minion caused and it makes me angry. Also a sign I am at day zero.

My goal is to rise above them, their ignorance and conceit. To recover and do better than I could have ever done under their reign of terror.

I’m not a hateful person by nature but I do fight the urge to wish ill will on them. I let it go knowing God will take care of any things He sees as poor behavior or unethical. I rely on Him to judge and address them. It’s not my place but I am human and do need to fight the natural instincts to wish against them.

In the grand scheme of things they each are less than nothing and when I remember that, they disappear back to the past where they’ve placed themselves.

It’s a work in progress and I pray God allows me the ability to have a conversation where they may be brought up and dismiss it as quickly as their “importance” was dismissed the moment I left them.

Some people belong in the past for a reason – they’re not worthy of a moment of your present or future. Let them fade to the distance where less than nothing moments belong.

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Legal Chest Pains


I have been worried about my heart the last few days.

Having PVC & PAC activity is always disturbing but it seems a little different lately. More episodes, stronger extra beats or like this morning, two quick episodes of sharp pain with them.

I am sure I have had pain in the past. A faint memory is lying there but I can’t wrap my full attention around it.

When you have sharp chest pains and you are someone with “health anxiety” (the polite term for hypochondriac) then it sets off all sorts of warning alarms that I have mentioned in past posts.

For those not familiar, it goes a little something like this:

Minding my own business

Pain or dizziness – something out of the norm – could be a twitch or twinge

All systems stop in their tracks while the mind and body “listen” for anything else to happen. If it does, that occurrence is analyzed fully and completely.

Analyzing an occurrence goes like this:

What was THAT?

It was a…..<insert symptom here>

I wonder if that is a problem!

<Insert symptom here>

There it is again!

Okay, it was a sharp pain. It was in the center of my chest.

OH MY GOD ITS A HEART ATTACK

~ Launch all systems GO evaluation~

Blood pressure cuff – on and inflating (please be normal, please be normal….)

PulseOx meter attached (DON’T look at it for 10 seconds because it is always off while it calculates. DON’T LOOK YET)

Blood pressure results – within normal ranges (Thank goodness….)

PulseOx within normal limits (Thank goodness)

Pause……

“I wonder if I did them right.”

Relaunch check of symptoms

Within normal ranges

“Oh thank God! But…what is that pain? I’ll just look it up on the Internet….”

FAIL

As someone with health anxiety (don’t be rude, that is what we are calling it. YOU can be a hypochondriac…I am NOT!) searching the Internet for what ails you is the kiss of….well…..anxiety or panic…we CAN’T say the other word or it provokes nervousness.

If you are not in a full-blown attack then, you will be within a few minutes of clicking and sifting through the best terrorizing medical information the web has to offer.

The thing is? We KNOW this yet…we do it again and again.

I did it this morning after my bout of chest pain. “I can’t go to the doctor so I almost HAVE to rely on the Internet, don’t I?”

Um, no but that doesn’t stop me.

I sit down on the edge of my bed facing the window. This is where I go when I start having anxiety. That SHOULD be my first clue but it never is.

I bring up the search engine. “Tell me what my death sentence is Dr. Google” I almost say as I begin my sifting.

One thing I have learned is to stay away from WebMD as it will ALWAYS tell me absolute death is impending. Paper cut? Can become infected leading to death. Hang nail? Seek emergency medical attention as you may die.

We stay away from WebMD but Mayo Clinic is my golden child of the “What am I dying of today” world.

Mayo Clinic tells me the facts but almost leans toward not telling me enough. They always throw in when to seek medical attention but it doesn’t seem as ominous as WebMd does.

So far it could be spasms in my digestive track, PVC/PAC activity just causing pain or…brace yourself, it could be anxiety.

So, I launch another round of vital checks and determine that if I am going to die today, I need to accomplish something worthwhile.

Instead, I start writing.

What I have learned over the last year of my life is that I have become a VERY anxious person. I was always a Type A personality before but never full of twists and turns like I have now.

My previous employer shares much of the blame of the creation of the mess we all see before our eyes.

Years of being treated poorly and differently than my peers took its toll but nothing like the last and final month of my employment after returning from FMLA. The torment elevated to amazing new heights as they clearly felt the need to retaliate for my absence and then plotted my departure.

I have YEARS of excellent service to that company and needed time off to put Humpty Dumpty back together again because I was torn down from all of your games and demands and you couldn’t get past the time off I needed so you termed me? Makes total sense.

I am being told that my life will be better without my involvement in that company, in that department and certainly in that toxic environment but while I wait for that “bliss” to hit, I am left worrying about medical insurance, life insurance and of course, the almighty dollar to pay my bills when I did everything you asked me to do.

One of the things about the culture I worked in was that they pushed “We will provide you with all of the tools you need to do your job effectively” yet when I reminded them that I don’t have the tools, I was written up. When I didn’t quit as they thought I would, they fired me.

 

As your employee you promised me that you would lead me with all stops removed, to the type of manager you wanted me to be. I did as asked, when asked and usually much better than I was asked to do it, and then you let me go?

That just doesn’t seem ethical. Considering the source, that isn’t a shock.

So today I am fighting my way through the worry that the after effects of your poor and tortuous treatment of me have caused permanent damage.

I pray. I hope and I know that God will take care of me but I also hope that I don’t “go” before I have something important to leave behind. I am not ready and hope God allows me the chance to do something of value for Him, and me.

 

 

 

 

Sadness


My skipped and extra heart beats (PVC, PAC) are back today. I hate them. Life is stressful enough – I sure don’t need these too.

It’s been a week since I was fired. I don’t miss them, that’s for sure. They are ridiculous people with a skewed image on how to conduct business. Popularity contests never proved to be great for business over the long run.

Today my heart is ping ponging around my chest upsetting me more and more. Some chest pains and some left arm numbness. It’s scary but I’ve been told as late as April that my heart checks out just fine. 4 months ago. I just have to keep reminding myself that its okay.

I received some legal papers in the mail. It’s just exacerbated the symptoms further.

It’s too bad life gets this way. It shouldn’t have to be do hard.

 

Well, there it is


I was let go today. The Director made good on her promise. I reminded HR Lady as I gathered my things.

Senior was shaking like a leaf. I found it silly. You’ve wanted this so much and you appear to be terrified. Get your game face straight man. You sound scared which is distracting.

Harassment is over (well, the kind I’ll know about. I’m sure libel will continue).

Bullying is done. They can kick at dirt and fondly recall their hate of me.

Discrimination is complete. They got away with it….

Or did they.

Places like that are toxic and its only a matter of time before they are discovered and forced to make sweeping changes.

I can only hope that my departure will bring about a forced change in the way they are allowed to run rampant and lie.

“I know I am being ethical!”

If you truly know it….you don’t have to say it out loud. If you know you’re not or you doubt it….you repeat it because that is who you are.

Keep saying it because hopefully you will be that way some day…maybe you will actually BE ethical. Because right now? You’re fodder for the company. They snicker and whisper when you walk by because your department runs like a high school. You and the others are a clique of girls that were ignored or tormented in school…so you think you’re “popular” now.

Except….

You are the butt of jokes. I used to feel bad for all of you. Then I realized that you cultivated this atmosphere. You created this ugly culture and your employees despise you.

Karma

Karma will take care of you and them. Karma knows no mercy and when it’s ready, you’ll have to deal with the lies and deeds you’ve done.

After you’ve learned the lessons Karma tends to teach, maybe THEN you will be ethical.

But I doubt it. Bad people don’t change very often and you all are a step above the worst society has to offer. Ah, who am I kidding, you’re right there with them!

Nothingness


“It’s just about time to go” announces my anxiety.

“I wish I didn’t have to” I reply, still worn out from my work life.

“You could quit..” says Reason.

“Who will pay the bills?!” demands Fear

“You have other jobs that make you more money. You would be able to grow that business if you were not tied up in that cesspool every day” argues Reason.

“But what if…” Anxiety starts but is cut off by Sadness “What if WHAT?! What if you work for YEARS making them money and they treat you like crap? What if you sacrificed your time with friends or family and they lie about you?? What if you have helped each of them on different occasions and they act like you are the biggest piece of shit in the world?! Yeah, what if. That will make things better!”

My department is thriving again. First in income and dollars per.

Yet, I don’t know how to manage.

Wednesday is my unreasonable deadline.

My attorney is willing to go after them personally for their bullying and intimidation. My attorney is willing to go after the company for allowing it. All I need to do is sign on the dotted lines. Yet….I really don’t want to.

Not because they all don’t deserve it. They do.

It’s because I don’t deserve it.

I deserve to have the respect that the work I have done over the years dictates.

If you don’t like someone, it doesn’t change their value. If you don’t like someone, it changes YOUR value if you allow it to interfere with everyone’s ability to do the job.

Senior Director likes to say “We need to remember that it doesn’t matter if we like someone personally. It only matters that they can do the job”.

Senior is trying to convince themselves and those around because they are all fodder within the company for making “mean girl” business decisions based on emotion and favor.

Keep repeating it because you’re no closer than you were the first time you said it.

Arms of the Angels


I said goodbye to my adored dog today. He was amazing and wonderful. He helped me through my panic attacks last year and my anxiety issues this year. He was my rock and my heart breaks knowing I wont have him waiting for me when I wake up.

I know things can always get worse but honestly, I don’t recall a time in my life that has been as bad as the last year +.

Being harassed at work has taken on an entirely new aggressiveness since my return from FMLA. Its epic and the loss of a part of me has just made it feel even worse. I dread going to work tomorrow because the pain will be on the surface and those people smell it like a shark smells blood. They will circle and attack. Its what they’ve been doing since my return so this is just going to exaggerate their response.

My dog was a doll. He came to me when I was gripped by panic. He positioned himself next to me and would press up against me to let me know he was there. I would find so much comfort with him….and when fireworks or thunderstorms made him feel the same way…I would bring him close and make sure he knew I was there. I would stay up all night fretting when he didn’t feel well and I would rush home to make sure he was okay.

My other dogs know he is gone and you can see the sadness on their faces. They seemed to sense when he was being taken to the vet because his sister became frantic and kept jumping on me. I didn’t have a choice. I want him here with us but not at the cost to him and his comfort. He couldn’t breathe very well and was in pain. Two terrible things separately. Combined they are cruel to inflict on someone that would lay down his life for you.

I saw him leave and I felt a piece of me go with him. Each time I have to make this decision, that drive and lay on that floor…it steals part of the tiny section of my soul that only they can get to. Its a part that no human will ever see nor experience because animals are true. People are not. No matter how deeply you love or are loved by a person, it is only a micro version of what it is for your animal family.

For those that don’t view pets that way, stop reading. This isn’t something you would find the least bit tasteful.

For those that have pets or have gone through this, you probably get it.

As a child I was a dog fanatic. I ALWAYS adored them. As a kid the dog in my home really didn’t view me as much but she was still my buddy. I was just a lower level dog to her. I wanted her to stay in my room but she wanted to be with the adults. I didn’t care, she was a dog and I loved her but she was forgotten as I grew older and left home. She preferred my mother and I wanted to leave home.

It wasn’t until I grew up that I learned the true value of having a pet. I found my soul mate in the animal kingdom in the form of a stately large breed dog. I adored him heart and soul. For the first year or so of his life I was fortunate enough to have him with me non-stop. He was able to go to work with me and we hung out together. He was my world and I was his.

When I had to make this same decision, take that same drive and lay on that “same” floor watching the life filter away, my soul screamed out and honestly, I don’t think it has ever stopped. If I spend more than a split second thinking about him, I crumble. He left me 9 years ago and it is still incredibly painful to think about.

Today all I could do was hope that my boy joins him, and the others. (2 cats, 1 female dog and my soul pup). I know they will all be waiting for me when it is my time but that doesn’t make it any less painful.

As I smoothed back the soft fur on his temple and whispered my undying love and devotion to him I couldn’t keep the tears from flowing and I hate crying in public, in front of people I don’t know….or do.

I knew when he left me, just like I knew the moment the others did and it is always painful with a mix of relief for them. They are free of this world, the pain and illness they were fighting bravely to be with me….they were whole again and with God.

With my world being as painful as it has been, I wished I could go with him. I am tired of being here. I am tired of dealing with people that think they can do as they please without any type of consequence.

I have to take a stand at work this week and I don’t want to. I shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t have to go through this because you decided that your bonus or life would be more enjoyable with my unemployment.

Karma

I keep waiting and it seems like I am the one that has the bad Karma. I cannot figure out why. I try to help others and I love to see people do well for themselves. Helping is where “it’s” at in life and I try to do it as much as possible yet……my life is just total shit.

I think about the time I spent on FMLA and am grateful I was able to spend it with him. I would have felt cheated had I not. He was next to me the entire time. He was my champion and I loved him. He will sure be missed.

So, I brace for my week that will likely include a termination. My bosses have steam now and they are ready to use the new found power to rid themselves of someone they have disliked for years but that they haven’t had the power to destroy.

I don’t know what lies they are telling people but I have to assume they are in order to get as much clout as they have.

I have a meeting with an attorney tomorrow. I am filing a lawsuit against my employer and bosses as individuals. Never in my life would I have thought I had to do this and it disgusts me to my core that the world has gotten so abusive that an employee has to fight the battle in court to get them to change their ways.

I am suing them personally because they have made the personal decision to engage in workplace bullying, discrimination and harassment. When you as a supervisor make that decision, you need to know that it can have consequences for you in your life.

I will be attaching myself to their homes, cars, savings and wages for the next 10 or 20 years. Perhaps they will reconsider before doing the things they have done to me, to someone else.

I will be suing my employer for allowing it. Perhaps when I have attached myself to your income, name and reputation for the same amount of time, you will think twice before looking the other way because nepotism became to close to the top to control. When you turn a blind eye, you say it is okay. When you ignore an employee who says there is a problem, you endorse it.

My goal is culture change. Maybe if I sue them then they will change their ways for others. My end result will be the same. I will be unemployed regardless but that other person who will face it after I am gone? Maybe this will stop it before it gets started.

In the grand scheme of things, my dog is gone. My heart is broken and my employer is probably going to fire me tomorrow.

I put in my headphones to listen to a podcast. I pressed the button and Sara McLaughlin’s “Arms of the Angel” song rolled through the headphones and into my heart. This album holds significance in my life as it has appeared every time I am undergoing painful transformations that rock my existence.

I feel like it was a hug from God telling me that my boy is up there with the others running and playing and sure, life sucks but God is there while I walk this awful path.

I know He says he will take care of me but the human side fears the uncertainty that I am facing. I know that He has promised everything will work out for the better but the scared side likes to “what if” and worry about failing.
God wont let me fail and as much as I want to follow that with a “but…” statement, I wont.

God          Wont          Let          Me           Fail

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay…that’s it


Ring….Ring….Ring….

“Hello?”

“It’s stress calling. I don’t plan on talking to you now, I just wanted to upset you. I’ll do it again tomorrow. See you then!”

That was my day off. Can’t wait.

My heart has been skipping and thudding all over the place. PVC and PAC’s suck. Ask anyone that has them. Sometimes they only scare you. Other times they hurt and scare you. They suck either way.

So that boot I talked about a few posts ago? The one they like to hang in the air over your head? Remember? They don’t bother with shoes as they prefer dropping boots?

Yeah, it’s going to be dropped on my skull tomorrow.

My company…..just adores a good ambush.

What they love more?

A pre-planned – pre-warned ambush is something they cherish even more.

If they can call you on a Saturday night and tell you of a planned meeting for the next Friday at 4:00pm, without any idea what the meeting is about….even better!

That’s a little extreme but….it happens. Mine was a little over 24 hours advance notice. No hint, no response when I asked what it was about….

I’m pretty sick of that stuff.

I don’t steal, don’t treat people poorly and don’t do things that are any where near those lines. I don’t cheat, lie or anything else. What I do actually do is ask questions or talk about how situations are a problem.

I’ve been told I need to shut up and do what I am told. Don’t ask questions, don’t question anything – just do it.

No opinions, no response. Just be the robot they want.

Okay. But can you not call me anymore?

Oh….wait. That was a question.

This will take some practice.

My response is okay.

That’s it.