Just keep going


How many times have we wished we had a magic ball? If we could only see the future or go back and fix mistakes or alter a path we took….

When I have days that my symptoms are taking over the place, like today, I wish there were a way to go back in time and alter the path that led me here. If I can even find it.

I would slow down or choose another avenue for work, home or hobbies.

Symptoms make life so much more difficult. Keeping appointments takes every ounce of courage and ability you can muster which can leave you depleted for the day.

I was told to force myself to keep commitments because it is one step away from being a hermit if you don’t. So, I kept commitments, “white knuckling” it the entire time. I think the doc was hoping that by doing so, I would be pulled back into an active role in my life.

The experiment hasn’t been successful so far. I just seem to keep spinning in circles unable to get out of the messed up groove and back to the highway of productivity.

It is SO strange to be in this place. This non-living, non-advancing place. It isn’t something we see for ourselves and when it happens, we are sidelined wondering how to fix it.

I fix things. It is what I have done as long as I can remember. This is different. It just isn’t anything I seem to be able to fix. I keep trying….I keep going….its all I can do while trying to keep the hope alive that one day I will step back into my life and use this as a way to help someone else.

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Remember, Remind & Keep Going


Another morning.

Isn’t it weird how you wake up and at first, you’re just there. You’re calm. You’re alert but not really. You’re…..okay.

Then life starts to settle in.

I wondered this morning why life starts to settle in. Is it by a subconscious choice or is the slow decent natures way of easing you back to reality.

I surely wouldn’t CHOOSE to start to feel every ache and pain, every fretful thought or stressful fact in my life. Would I?

Well…………………

Maybe.

Through my panic and anxiety journey I have had moments of semi foggy clouded clarity.

Let’s take the following scenario as example.

We wake up. The first thing we notice is the sun trying to shine through the blinds. We hear birds singing and we feel warm. Content. Comfortable.

Time pops into our heads and we glance at the clock. We have 2 hours before we need to be there.

*The first sparkle of apprehension or anxiety*

We get up to use the restroom because goodness sakes, as soon as we are awake, our bladders demand it.

As we walk to the restroom, we feel a little light-headed. Head rush. It takes a few seconds to clear.

*Health analyzing begins the moment the head rush is detected.
– dehydration? Good chance.
– from being sick? Maybe.
**Another sparkle of mild worry

We lay back down.

The sun is still trying to get through the blinds, the birds are still singing, it’s still warm.

Do we continue to fret, or do we return to contentment?

The only thing that is different is the fact that we got up and felt a head rush.

If we hadn’t gotten up, or gotten up without an event, would we still be laying there content?

It’s not the first time we had this choice to make.

Having a good anxiety day, it’s low, the day is decent, we have a lurch of dizziness.

We automatically have that familiar drop in our stomach and the clouds of burden roll right in.

As we continue on, we get defiant. We get pushy.

No! Not today! I’ve had that exact same dizziness for a damned year. Today is NOTHING new! The clouds are old news too! That brick in my stomach….yeah, felt that too.

And then it dawns on us.

We made a split second “choice” to allow the extras to fill in the blanks. We felt dizzy and like the 365 days before, we automatically activated the anxiety or panic response because it has become a habit.

Same Event = Same Reaction

What if we mix it up?

So we felt dizzy.

Same Event

The clouds roll in, the brick drops.

Same Reaction

BUT

We launch a counter attack.

Dizzy. Again. Okay, I know when I have a moment of dizziness, I’m usually tightening my neck and hunching up my shoulders. Let me relax those.

Dizziness subsides.

There. Better.I know when I’m stressed I tense. Tensing my neck and shoulders so tight puts pressure on those nerves and veins. I just relaxed them and the dizziness is gone. I’m healthy, my tests and all if my numbers are good. I have a less than 1% chance of a major event based on those numbers so, I’m fine. The human body is an amazing machine. It will heal, it will grow and it will survive. I’m not drinking enough and I know that causes me these types of symptoms too so, I’m going to drink more today. I’m going to watch the tension in my neck and shoulders. I was fine a minute ago. I was happy. Nothing has changed. I’m safe. I’m healthy.

*POOF*

NEW REACTION!

The anxiety and/or panic response filters away. The clouds part and the brick turns to dust, gently blowing away.

Our minds are a PMS-ing bitch when left unchecked.

In the height of my panic I was told I was choosing to escalate. My response was “F Off! No I am not!” I would NEVER CHOOSE to feel this way.

Well, no, not randomly. But being a victim of it doesn’t help either.

There are a million theory’s out there. Some developed by sufferers and some by those that have been educated and think they fully understand it.

I, like you, have read everything out there on an attempt to “cure” this vile affliction.

But

There is no “cure”. We can’t read something and decide that’s our ticket out of Crazytown because Crazytown has an evil villain for a Mayor. Us.

We know what we are afraid of. We know our threshold for insanity, pain and fear. We know our “on” buttons and we know how to twist each of those things to make ourselves miserable.

I know for a fact that if I decided to speculate further on my head rush from this morning, I will be in a full-blown health anxiety spiral within minutes.

The fact is, I have been fighting a cold and I am dehydrated. I have tension in my neck and stress over my day. Each of those separately provoke that symptom. I was fine yesterday, I’ll be fine later. I’ll drink more today and eat good things. My health is good, my risks are super low so why spend my time fretting which will provoke my health to change?!

Sure, I will carry on with low-level anxiety. I’ll take that over Defcon 5 any day.

When I have surges of panic, I’ve learned to stop and think.

Huh, I just had a blast of adrenaline. Weird. I’m not in danger. I’m healthy. I’m safe. I guess my system is still misfiring but it feels exactly like all of the other times. I’m ok!

It doesn’t mean I won’t ever have a setback. I walk around believing I will. I’m not tiptoeing around waiting for it, but those of us that have had panic and anxiety know we can have a relapse.

I say that like I’m not currently suffering. However, I am. I’m just trying to choose to push forward despite the choppy seas.

My symptoms come and go. I am not cured by any stretch. I still balance my tasks for my day to land myself at home when someone else will be there. I fret about being alone for very long. I’m not ready. I’m okay with working on it, but I am simply not there yet. My bedroom door stays open, my bathroom door stays unlocked. My day is planned with concern over how long I will be alone and a brief thoughts of “If I pass out in my driveway, how long would I be there before someone finds me”.

Again, they are choices that I make deep within the recesses of my mind, but they still bubble to the surface and are a cause for worry. I combat these just like I combat the worries over a health event.

“I am healthy so the worry about passing out in the driveway is silly. Its anxiety trying to fight with panic. I don’t need to get in the middle of it. Lets move on. I know I will be okay at home because I am fine every place I go. Having people at home or not at home doesn’t change it. I have seen my health tests. I have done the risk assessments and I have a 1% chance of having a major health event or sudden death. 1%! That is pretty awesome if you think about it. How many people would love to be able to say that?! So, enjoy it!”

I have to repeat this through my day, just like anyone else. I would LOVE to say I don’t. But, I do. I do because like anyone else, I am on the road to recovery and that road is full of potholes, pain and setbacks. It is also full of new roads, smooth surfaces and advances. Is just a matter of enjoying the right now.

While I move through my day, I try to thank God for the moments of contentment that I have. I thank Him for the moments of less intense anxiety or panic that I have. I try to show gratitude for allowing me to take a breath and be present in the moment, something I have never been good at.

I am a future worry wart. I fret about distance. I like to be prepared and if I worry now, then I wont be caught off guard.

Eventually, that gets you. It got me.

I have learned to be present in the moment as much as possible. I don’t have panic or anxiety this second, “Thank you God! Thank you for allowing me to be okay for this very second. I will happily take it and love it!”

Because I know that the next second may not be the same. People in recovery tend to say “One Day at a Time.”

I understand it now. I never did before. However, for me it works better if I do “One Moment at a Time.” A day is too overwhelming for me to try to take. Moment by moment is much more “do-able”.

As one who plans, frets and tries to predict the future, it has been a lesson in humility and patience. I am a fixer, a planner and an organizer.

Anxiety and Panic don’t care.

Once I decided that I would make the decision to live WITH these two, my life became much more reasonable. Much more comfortable. Much less chaotic.

I tried to stand up to them and demand that they take me right now. Early on I read that you should become defiant and try to make the panic and anxiety get as bad as it can get. Demand that it make you faint if you keep feeling like you will faint.

It didn’t do much to simmer things down. It did cause me to see that no, I wont faint, but it didn’t take the feelings of it away either.

I read that you should just sit back and let it do its thing. Let it well up and consume you. Dont fight it, just let it go.

It also didn’t simmer things down. It did cause me to see that it didn’t well as high or become as painful, but it didn’t take my symptoms away either.

I’ve investigated medication, detoxing, alternative medicines like mega dose vitamins, orthomolecular science and countless other things all in an attempt to rid myself of this wicked ailment.

I’ve investigated every known health condition that can provoke anxiety/panic, I have talked to doctors, taken test after test and come to the conclusion that it just is.

I have it because I have it. Nothing can take it away and nothing will change it.

I really beat myself up over not being able to take daily medication for it. Therapist, Psychiatrist, Doctor, Spouse and countless others have tried to reason with my irrational fear. It wasnt having it. So, I researched why we cant just test what brain chemical is having issues and address THAT one.

I found that it’s all a big fat guess. We THINK serotonin levels do this or that. Hmmmm…..thats not good enough for a freak like me. I need a sure-fire way to determine what exactly is off. I refuse to take a medication that may or may not be correct. I’ve had to many reactions to do anything otherwise. The reactions also tell me that my body doesn’t really care for that crap. It is fighting what is supposed to be helping it, which to me, is a clear sign that I shouldnt push it. Thankfully, Doctor agreed because he has note after note about adverse reactions to medications over the years. He isn’t comfortable with handing out this or that medication for fear the next reaction will be a doozie.

So, I have eliminated a lot of processed sugar from my diet. (VERY hard to do considering it is in just about everything we eat!), I have worked to avoid long lists of ingredients in what I consume. (Again, almost impossible. I have stood in a grocery store and wondered what in the hell I can eat here….its all chemically enhanced.)

I have stopped drinking pop, stopped eating late and stopped eating out-ish. (I still get hungry or lazy and fold. I am human.)

I try to take time for me. I spend time in the bath and work to put away the phone so I can just “Be” and thank God for the moments I have had. I lightly reflect on a year ago when things were so overwhelming and I tell Him how grateful I am that my life has moved past that, acknowledging that there may be times I return.

My life has been changed by this and I think it is important to note the good things too. We get so bogged down in the day-to-day life of crap that we forget there are some positives happening as well.

Weight loss from eating better and less, being able to be in the moment much more, feeling better about my appearance and being able to dress better. My eating habits have netted me a 50+ pound weight loss. Being closer to spouse. When someone sticks with you, even though at times they seem to be a huge jerk, they stayed there, you cherish them. I have a new-found love. Deeper and more appreciative. I remind myself to let things go. In the grand scheme of things, a perceived “slight” from someone really doesn’t matter. Maybe they had a bad day. Maybe they are having their own issues, maybe it had nothing to do with me….or maybe it did but until they wish to address it, it’s not my deal. I try to live my life with the least amount of negative impact that I can. I try to be thankful, appreciative, grateful, helpful and honest. I try to curb meanness, spiteful behavior/thoughts and really try to promote peaceful resolutions. Winning situations for everyone. Even Director.

I’ve approached that situation differently. Director is the same. My response is not. Director is rude, I don’t care. I am polite and helpful. Director excludes people and talks about people, I walk over to those very people and embrace them. We all have worth. All of us. Even Director. My focus is finding those things that I liked about you at a time when I didn’t know who you really were, and using them to get through my interactions with you. They are there, they are just hidden beneath reality of who you actually are. I can sort through that while keeping an eye on the bad things, but not allowing them to overshadow the good. What else can I do?!

So listen, we all get stuck down in the trenches. We all slip back into the hole of hell. Every last one of us! But, we know we don’t have to stay there. Maybe we will sit in the hole for a day or two. Maybe even a week or weeks. But eventually we will remember how to get out of it. Eventually we will make that effort.

Mud Hole

I’m about in the middle. There are days I can see the top, there are days I swear there is a new bottom. But, the important thing is to keep moving. Keep trying and keep reaching for the edges. I mean after all, we have shown ourselves that we can sit, stew and endure the most awful pain known to mankind, why not also show ourselves that we can pull our feet out of that sticky mud and climb to the top?

determination_stone

 

Your goal for today?

When you have an episode….

  1. Have you felt this way before. The answer is usually yes.
  2. Since you HAVE felt this way before, then you know its your new normal. Youre okay.
  3. Since it is your new normal, there is nothing to worry about. Keep going.
  4. Remind yourself of your tests, your doctor’s advice, your own advice and keep going.
  5. Try to remember a time before you had panic/anxiety. Remember going about your days unaware of anything happening within your body? Remember walking around being okay….and keep going.

The more you try to remember what it was like BEFORE you had panic and anxiety, the more you can remind yourself that the sensations you’re feeling are either a part of your new normal or part of a normal functioning body.

For example:

I have always exercised. I havent since becoming bogged down in my new normal. It scares me. So, when I run up some stairs, my heart beats fast, my heart beats hard, I feel out of breath and a little weak.

I have to remind myself that I felt that way before when I stopped exercising for a long time. It was usually my clue that I needed to get back to it. It is something I have felt before and I need to keep going.

So, I do.

The more we remind ourselves that we have felt X or Y or Z before, the more confidence we regain and the more we remember automatically.

So today;

Remember

Remind

Keep Going!

happiness9

Life on the run


I’ve noticed the last several weeks that I’m either putting off being home (alone) or I will calculate how much time before someone comes home, or leave work when someone will already BE home.

This isn’t the norm for me. I valued my alone time. It was a treat. I was always outwardly giddy when my family headed off to school or work and I had the house to myself.

Now, I fret.

I fret that I’ll be found dead on the floor or I’ll need help and no one is there.

It’s silly, but its real. It’s consuming. It’s painful.

My anxiety and panic have altered my life dramatically.

Like having a bully waiting at every exit, I just stay inside hoping that bully will get bored and leave.

While I am actually out in public, I pre-plan for medical events.

I try to make sure my wallet is securely tucked in a pocket on my person and my phone is close, but also secure in case I go down.

When I start “bubbling”, a term I use for the feeling of anxiety and panic increasing much like a pot of water put out to boil, as soon as it starts reaching that point, its time to go home. I take off and try not to let it overpower me before I can get home.

I’m constantly trying to outrun this storm only to have it “super cell” and surround me. Not always, sometimes I do win, but let’s not say it outloud because it will hear us, get mad and make an example out of me.

This morning I lay in the dark, slightly lit by the glow of my screen and begin my ritual mild fretting.

“Will today go okay?”, “Am I okay?”, “That pain….have I felt that before?”, “My neck feels strained, will I feel dizzy today?”, “If I do, will it cause panic?”, “Now my stomach is upset….”.

One day. I hope to wake up with a dialogue filled with thanks and prayer for others.

In the cold morning darkness, I listen to my spouse sleep and wish I could do the same.

My spouse was written up yesterday. In the pit of my stomach, I know this job is ending and I’m angry. I’m very angry.

It’s difficult to be supportive when you yourself have been through hell to support your family while your spouse has let things go, walked out, been fired and now, looks like they will be fired again.

Next month I was SUPPOSED to go to the Pfiefer Clinic to try ortho molecular testing/treatment to see if they can cure my issues. It’s out of pocket and all-in-all would cost around $1500 but has very promising results.

I can’t get it done here and there are few places that do it. So I have to travel. The inital visit with travel costs will be $1300+ if my spouse goes. $1200+ if its just me.

I’m not sure I CAN travel with or without my spouse but I was willing to white knuckle to get it done.

Now…..my spouse may be unemployed soon. I shouldn’t spend the money….which makes me angry and resentful.

I know its not spouses choice. I get that, but I’ve been waiting for this for months. I’ve saved and dreamt of going, of being tested and provided with my own compound that unlocks this prison door.

Now, I’m being pushed further back in the cell.

Spouse said “Why not put it off until summer or so…”

I was enraged. Oh, okay. I work hard, have been treated like shit, tormented, endured a textbook hostile workplace and been >< this close to ending it all a few times in the last year but SURE, let me put the chance for a CURE off because YOU can't get the details at a job I told you NOT to apply for in the first place….right.

Sounds reasonable. Sounds fair. Sounds like its what a loving spouse should be required to do.

So today, as I try to outrun the possibility of anxiety and panic, I will work on my resentment.

We've been together 14 years. I love my spouse. I really do but I feel like I'm left holding a bag full of shit the majority of the time while spouse finds themselves. You're 55. Settle it already and let me have a turn…..

It's "funny" because I've been one piss off from walking away from my job. I figured, spouse is still employed, seems ok, have my retirement and could cash that out and draw a monthly amount. Take a year off and finish/sell/promote my book, do other odds and ends, finish my degree….I was really warming to the idea and like the three other times before…..spouse jumped in front and claimed sovereignty forcing me back in my hole.

Eventually, you develop a deep glowing resentment. It doesn't matter if spouse isn't doing it on purpose because in the end, you're still stuck.

Daylight is slowly creeping in. A dark gray light filters through the shades. The smell of morning mixed with the smell of home fills the room. The faint breaths of spouse and big dog volley back and forth in the calm of the morning.

I look over and truly want to have compassion. Only a very small faint amount stirs but I think its more remorse than compassion. Remorse for not feeling more helpful or understanding. That's overrun by irritation.

You've been part of a situation that is robbing me of my chance to rid myself of this disease. Unwillingly or by design, right now it makes no difference and I'm angry.

I see the clock and know my day has to begin. I start making my escape plans if "IT" starts to bubble or consumes me. The thought causes a stir in my soul.

I hate this. I hate this pain. I hate clawing my way through each day. I hate that I had a chance to resolve it and its been taken from me.

I hate that the security of being in the position to walk off has been robbed from me again.

I hate that even before the sun has had a chance to peak over the horizon, I'm hating.

My work will kill you if you allow it


I’m burdened today. My bosses are just being ridiculous.

Tuesday I had a meeting for this program I was asked to design. Another manager was disrespectful toward me but went unnoticed by the Director.

I said very little in hopes that the meeting would just flow without any negative focus on me. It didn’t work.

During a meeting the next day with my repeat boss, I was told the Director saw me as standoffish.

Shocking

At this point if I speak, I’m an asshole. If I don’t speak, I’m an asshole.

I guess to the Director, I’m just an asshole.

I found out they took my troubled Assistant to lunch and grilled him about my treatment of him. They reassured him that he is being relocated because of my failure of him. Nice.

How else can I help you?

Well, Saturday I get an email from the insecure and highly sensitive manager from the meeting Tuesday and I try to resolve her concerns. Another email fires back mentioning the SR Directors name.

So, before I respond, I try to get Sr’s preference. Sr is clearly irritated. I’m just trying to figure out the path of least resistance and what will allow us to move forward. Guess clarification wasn’t that route. No real answer and wrong again.

I wait a while, still unsure so, I call repeat boss. Explain the situation and my hesitance to respond to sensitive manager. I tell her I can’t win and she agrees. Says not to respond until they are able all talk. I say, “I’m willing to do whatever needs to be done. I’m just trying to help.”

So, I spend my day off filled with anxiety because I have other people in the company telling me they want me out so they can slide sensitive manager into the new District Manager position.

You are willing to intentionally rip me apart because you want your friend in that spot? So put sensitive there and go about your business.

Why do you have go try to utterly destroy me in the process?

You lie about me. You try to ruin my reputation and try to make people believe I am someone I’m not…..

All while you have me extend my hand to help…..

No wonder I am sometimes SO close to just ending it all. They will not be happy until I stop breathing.

Having drifted there a minute….I can’t condone that way out. I understand if but, I can’t leave that for my spouse to deal with.

Today I’ve drifted in and out of worrying about stroke, having panic and anxiety. I had things to do but again, couldn’t.

It will be one solid year in the next few weeks.

One year since my life turned inside out and honestly….I’m worn completely out. I just do not think I can do this much more.

Just going to work is excruciatingly painful. I try to add commitments because I know if I don’t, I will be home bound forever.

This shit is hard. It’s been the WORST year of my life and I truly believe my job, my employer and my bosses have just perpetuated, cultivated, and nurtured this panic filled pathetic existance I have endured for the last year and clearly refuse to take any responsibility for creating an EXTREMELY hostile work environment.

God help me….will I EVER be able go enjoy ANYTHING ever again?!

I had hope for a minute


I have done well since seeing my GP on Thursday morning. All of my results looked good. No terrifying things in the reports (he gave me a copy).

I used that to find peace after my TIA/Stroke scare. I also took several tests to score my risks using those results and across the board I have a 1% chance at having a blood clot, stroke or heart attack. I was pretty excited. It’s like scoring the final game winning point or passing that really hard class with an A.

Yet…

Ever notice there is ALWAYS a yet?

Yet after a day of reading results and enjoying the benefit, after a day of slightly reminding myself of results but mostly going on and feeling like maybe I was rounding a corner……

After a split second of hope that this whole terrifying episode may have led to my ability to start repairing my crazy self…..

After I lay my head down and start to drift…my PVCs start skipping and for a minute, I worry about Afib. Which provokes concern over clots, which provokes a concern over….yes, you guessed it. Stroke.

It started with a slight cough. A few times I coughed for no apparent reason. Immediate fear of blood clot in the lung. Why not. I haven’t visited THAT location in a while….

I worked hard to dismiss it. It drifted back.

I decide I’m tired and start to sink away to dreamland. The TV is on. My spouse is watching. I see embers start to float around in a scene. Lots of them and then….a big panic cloud rolls over me.

Disappointment is right behind the Crazy funnel cloud. I truly hoped this latest round of Nutsville was a catalyst for my last…..

Once panic hits you’re on edge. Your nerves are raw and you’re panic pulls up a chair and starts watching TV with you.

Realistically, I know I’m stressed. Director called me Thursday and started a fight. I almost hung up on her 3 times just to get away from the situation.

Director is relentless. Ridiculous.

So that’s been weighing on my mind. Work is always a source of anxiety. Always.

I know Director causes panic attacks. I’m not sure why it surprises me.

So I’m drifting off to sleep when panic lights me up and now I’m spending my time trying to shake the fear that anxiety and panic are going to “get me”.

This stuff is stupid. I hate it.

Dying looks like that, not this


I left someone’s house yesterday. I gave her a hug and said good-bye.

They are celebrating their Christmas this morning because at 46, she is in her final days of cancer.

Lung cancer from smoking. Something she and I discussed in depth. She refused to entertain the notion that she should stop smoking.

I looked at her while we all talked. Little flickers of her still linger but the majority of her has been replaced by a body being called home.

She and I haven’t spoken much in years. She crossed some lines that I found unacceptable and that was it.

I thought when I saw her again that I would still be cold. I wasn’t.

In the end, her illness….her death doesn’t change the destruction she waged while living. But….

She’s dying and even though it doesn’t change what she did, it doesn’t matter anymore either.

It’s over. You can’t undo, you can’t alter or change.

My greatest hope is that she has sought God and made peace.

It’s not my place to judge.

As I move through my day and have reinvest of anxiety or fear of death, I remember what she looks like, how she is doing and I say, “YOU are not dying. SHE is dying and look how much her body has endured. You need to get back to living because she sure would if she could.”

As she moves through her final breaths, I pray for her. I pray for her sister and her children. I pray for her Grandchildren whom will only know her through pictures and stories.

In the depths of our panic we need to remember that death looks like that. Death isn’t like this.

Please Leave, Thank You


SO much has happened since my original plight that started with a carelessly prescribed medication in February.

Panic and anxiety showed up. Parked the RV, set up some lawn chairs and started taking over my life.

As you’ve read, I’ve fought a lot of battles. I’ve won some and lost a lot, all while my work environment was threatened by the daughter of the company President.

In the last month or so, I’ve had my fair share of issues. Disequilibrium, nausea, panic, anxiety, depression, fear of death, fear of living…you name it.

But

It’s been….dare I say….better.

I was yanked out of my old place, put in a different and very poorly functioning place and BAM, I am functioning a bit like myself with chunks where I’m not.

If I’m very busy, I do better. Sometimes I have to push through the feelings of panic and anxiety, but again, busy is better.

I’m busy a lot.

I’m not sure working 12-16 hour days is ideal as I do believe overworking can aggravate symptoms.

So can being tired.

I have also had very little exposure to the Director. Next to none actually. Ive FELT a bit more relaxed and less like my job is being threatened. Coincidence? Clearly not.

It all sounds axing right? Recovery MUST be right around the corner!

Um, no. My bouts are painful and disabling. I relapse every week to week and a half. Thursday, I relapsed through Saturday morning. Got busy at work and it was better.

This morning, I start to bubble. Pockets of panic and anxiety. So I take something called Sedalia because I read it was the opposite of everything I’m fearful of regarding medicine.

It was like someone flipped the “off” switch within MINUTES. I was stunned but almost giddy. I felt, dare I say…NORMAL!

We went about our day. I felt peaceful. I couldn’t believe it.

8 hours later…someone turned that damned switch back on and it happened just as fast.

Just as stunning. I still can’t believe it.

It FEELS worse, but maybe it’s because I had total relief and it was yanked away.

Maybe it IS worse. Who knows. What I do wish, is that it would leave and not come back.

I saw myself today. Now, I see the “new” me again. I hate it.

Chest pains, fear of sudden death, panic, anxiety, it’s all rolling around.

I can’t help but wonder why.

Did the homeopathic meds give me something my body loved and now it’s having a tantrum?

I pray when I wake up, it’s gone. I pray every day that those of us that suffer, find relief.

This stuff still sucks and I wouldn’t miss it if it were to leave.