Good Days Don’t CureYou


Yesterday I had an amazing day at work. Skeptical, but really, I should have been on cloud nine.

I was asked by Directors boss to come up with some solutions to our crisis…that childish non-professional behavior has faced us with…hmmmmmmm…..I WONDER where in the world THAT could have started…..

Anyway, Director was there with the others.

I developed a fairly extensive plan. In a day and a half.

They are implementing it completely. Right now.

So…..why the anxiety?!

It started Sunday. I wasn’t feeling great and decided to take a homeopathic remedy called Sedalia. It worked like freaking magic. Within MINUTES I was feeling so normal I was just about giddy.

The Directors boss called me Saturday and asked for my help/opinions. Really pumped me up. Confided in me, kept telling me I was their only hope to fix our departments mess. I was worried they were so upset. I like Directors boss. I don’t want Boss to fear unemployment and I think that’s what’s happening. So, as always, I’m happy to help but felt a HUGE sense of responsibility. It was now MY problem to come up (in a couple of days) with a solution to fix a problem my supervisors have created over the last few years. I was overwhelmed but really wanted to come up with a workable solution.

So Sunday i was bubbling a bit from anxiety and, i was tired so, I tried this Sedalia. It worked VERY well. I felt like myself. I could relax. I didn’t think about death every two steps. I wasn’t twisted with worry, panic or….anything.

8 hours of absolute bliss on 1/2 of a pill in a packet of 60….it would last me forever and it was safe. No drowsiness, no side effects. Is what the box said.

Then

8 hours later happened. As fast as the “new me” was replaced by the “old me” that morning….the “new me” flipped back in. Like someone turning on and off a switch. As fast as it left, it came back.

More so.

I thought for a minute that it was just being hypersensitive because for the first time since February, I was me again. Truly me. But then, it kept growing into full bouts of rolling panic attacks.

I fell asleep only to be woken with panic, which has never happened before.

I would repeat “this is panic” in my head and it would calm only to influx again moments later. This went on for hours!

I had 8 hours of bliss and 8 hours of sheer agony!

NOT WORTH IT!!!

I contacted the maker who of course said it was impossible that it was their product. Yet I’ve talked to 3 people highly trained in natural/homeopathic medicine who say yes, it sounds like a reaction. Albeit a rare occurrence, a reaction nonetheless. I contacted them to see if it was normal. That’s it. They rolled up the sidewalk and shuttered all of the windows because I’m sure they assume I’m seeking restitution.

Sure, I’d like my money back but I’m not looking to buy an acreage in the middle of Beverly Hills. I would just like my $9.99 plus tax back and thats not even why i contacted them. Jerks.

So I was told to drink a small amount of caffeine or inhale some mentholated scents like Tiger Balm.

I did both. Within minutes, it was much better. I guess homeopathic medicine is very weak. It can be derailed by those types of things. Who knew.

So I was better. But, I was not feeling well. Like a truck hit me. No sleep. Like I should have a fever but didn’t. That kind of thing.

My spouse felt the same way so we think it was coincidence that I felt so poorly the next day, but the trauma from the panic probably added to it.

So, on through the week. I did okay. I had what I kept trying to remind myself was “normal anxiety”. I was still ill at work Monday. I pushed through. I thought Boss and Director would be out that day. They couldn’t make it. So I figured it was normal to be anxious in this case. I still believe that.

Tuesday, nope. Can’t make it my boss was out ill. Wednesday boss out ill again. Finally, Thursday morning they came. Boss, Director, my old boss the Directors minion and my new boss (who actually hired me years ago and was my first boss here)

I pitched the idea and they embraced it. Very well. Unusually well. Like, suspiciously well…..

There is much speculation within my companies execs as to why they came to me, and why they embraced my plan. Without reserve. Without a power struggle. I gave it, they took it and IMMEDIATELY implemented it.

One theory is, they are all in the fire. The Boss and Director are on the chopping block. Our department IS that bad off….maybe.

One theory is that there is another opening in their group and have been told it WILL be filled with me so they have started to try to make me less resistant to them…..maybe.

One theory is that the position is open and they want to fill it with their suck up friend (who by the way is dressing better and trying to appear all boss like lately) and in order to do that, they devised a plan to keep me in my current position but make me a “training” manager where I pump out trained people that go to other stores. A constant morning, noon and night headache for me while the other managers sit back and enjoy the trained people…..that way I’m out of the picture and Suckup can be slid in…..LIKELY scenario.

However, what my bosses are not aware of is, the Executives are not going to allow that plan. It’s already blocked.

So, I never got to celebrate my “win” for proposing something I hope helps.

Instead it was shrouded in mystery and speculation. Boss didn’t tell their boss that I was coming up with a plan. Didn’t tell Bosses Boss that I was even approached or that the plan is being put into place.

Lord, when did it all get so….odd?

So, I fell asleep…anxious. Sad. I woke up the same.

Needless to say, I fear death a bit again. I think it’s my go to anxiety. I had disequalibrium yesterday after the meeting because speculation started immediately. I had to remind myself I’ve felt it before…a lot.

This morning….I just wish I would sleep until I have to go to work.

Spouse is STILL struggling at work. Making mistakes. Starting to act out. A matter of time before spouse quits or is fired. Pretty sure.

Irritating. Just do your damned job. Look what I have had to endure this year. You can’t do reasonable requests?!

But, I’m trying not to unleash. Thus, MORE anxiety.

So now, I’m going to try to go to the gym and walk on the treadmill. I’d like to start getting more exercise but I’m still afraid.

I’m not sure how NOT exercising will help me beat heart disease but….there is no reasoning with anxiety. It does what it wants.

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Chaos


My days are chaotic right now. I’m in a new place at work that is a mess.

I had a huge blow out with the Director last week. She spent about 15 minutes literally screaming on the phone at me because I dare confront her about gossiping about my personal information…again.

She always says things like, “Did I…., maybe. Maybe I was mad at you. Maybe you irritated me that day.” and then seems bewildered as to why that’s not acceptable, especially at her level of employment.

I talked with her boss who tries to keep reassuring me that she is working on the problem…..but, she’s stuck too. Directors Dad is everyone’s boss….so….who can reign her in? No one because he’s the one that has created this mess for our company.

In the meantime, I am sure the Director, with her lack of boundries and blurred sense of morals, will be plotting ways to get back at me any way she can. If that includes losing my job, then she wouldn’t blink.

On the anxiety front, its been okay. Oddly. Not solved, just tolerable-ish. Probably because I’m angry. When you’re angry, anxiety and panic seem to know to stay away.

I’m a tad worried about what happens when my anger fades. Will I be overrun with symptoms? Its a terrifying thought….

HELP! It Got Me!


Panic and anxiety reared its ugly head. It started Friday. I’ve been doing well. Moving more at work, exercising a bit, venturing out. Then came Friday. I met with Therapist. I was cold or rattled during the session. I do not know which. We were discussing my step-son. That’s always a hot button. She gave me some helpful tips and suggested based on my descriptions, he may suffer from.aspergers. I read some information and signs later. He sure could be a poster child. Anyway, we ended agreeing to visit in a few weeks as we both felt I didn’t need weekly sessions. It had been a month since our last and I was doing very well. I left there and went to whole foods. Spent more than I planned or should have. Got ready to leave, found something else, got in line and waited. I was reading a gum label. Went to pick it up and had a short run of extra beats. It stunned me and I instinctively put my fingers on my neck to determine if it was truly extra beats or stomach grumbling because those with irregular beats do have dual issues. I’ll just say it…Gas can cause PVC/PAC beats. Any kind of gas. You feel a flutter then feel bubbles moving around or the other way around. It’s actually very reassuring if Youve been told your healthy and the ectopics are harmless. Anyway, I must have been there a few seconds because when I snapped out of it a clerk next to me was directing me to a clerk behind me. The customer she was with was also looking. I was a bit dazed. Then, afraid. I reasoned myself all the way home. Dizziness set in. Which, as we recall from earlier posts is a symptom of anxiety/panic for me. I got home and put things away, of course ran my blood pressure and listened to my heart rate. I had gotten so much better I lent out my pulse ox machine for a.few days. I was silently cursing this decision. So, I couldn’t check that stat, but seemed to be fine. I continued to have dizziness while I cooked dinner, but did it. My spouse came home as the symptoms had begun to subside. Yesterday at work I had a dizzy moment or two. Waves really. My dizziness isn’t typically room spinning rather wavy blips. I got home, had ice cream and a few mini kitkat bars – remember, I haven’t been eating processed sugar really… Last night at bed, I started having waves of panic and anxiety until I finally fell asleep. This morning I woke up and appeared to be doing well. Relieved, I suggested we go to breakfast. A few waves but I’ve decided it may be neck tension acting up again. We get about 5 miles from home and the waves become more noticeable. I fear them, panic and anxiety set in and we are no where near our destination. I’m worried about passing out. We get to our location, get seated and I’m all but in a full blown attack. For those that don’t suffer from these terrible things its a little something like this: Everything feels like a 3D movie. You’re seeing it, but not really a part of it. The noise is maddening but you really can’t make out anything specific. Your mind is on overload thinking about how you’re not breathing right, you feel dizzy, almost faint but why…you begin running down the possible reasons as you sit and try to focus. Everything close up is more blurry than usual. You’re trying to read a menu but now evaluating the blur, mind you, you’re still running checks and balances on feeling dizzy, hearing chaos and activity around you while fighting heart and soul to appear fine….. But you’re not fine. Your spouse is talking and you’re doing your damnedest to interact but only offer nods, grunts or yes/no responses. (It’s all you’ve got. Your mind is busy analyzing two or three other things attempting to determine if you’re in life/death danger or in anxiety/panic, and if so…what caused it and how to cure it) You feel guilt stricken because you’ve had to talk with your spouse about being in the edge of a full blown epic melt down. The waitress wants your order but now You’ve gone from hungry to nauseous. You have to eat, you choose the least offensive. Oatmeal. As you wait for your order to arrive, your spouse tries to keep conversation moving to take your mind off of the world and thoughts and emotions swirling in and around you. Your food comes and you eat what your body will allow, which is very little. You’re fine with it. Your guilt wells and you wonder your spouse will get sick of it all and leave you for something you just cannot help. You quietly think “I wouldn’t blame you if you did…but….please….please don’t…” It’s freezing in here, which makes it all worse. I cannot tolerate being cold very well. Your spouse sees your duress and offers to pay for everything and take you home. You lurch inside. You would LOVE to do that! But guilt keeps you seated. You just can’t do that to them. Your mind wanders to the possibility and its then, you realize, “I think I’m okay, I’m just in panic and anxiety.” It doesn’t cause it to cease, but it does cause it to quiet down a little. The deafening roar of the other diners quiets down, the visuals going on around you make more sense, the blurry vision becomes a touch more clear, your breathing is less of a struggle and your spouse is having a larger response from you. But the guilt…humiliation…. It stays. We eeked through a few errands by agreeing that I will go here…and then decide if we need to go home. I’m okay so…I’ll go here….then decide. I sat in the car for most, but at least my spouse was able to accomplish what they wanted to and I had time in the car, in the sun to pray and try to find some centering. We get home and everything feels a bit better. The dizziness is there but absent is the terror and fear of suddenly passing out along with images of EMS rushing in. I’m able to rationalize that I have been laying in a positon for the better part of two weeks that hyper extends my chin toward my chest. I relax in the bath this way, I’ve laid in bed many times this way, all the while knowing that previously, this position caused cheek and jaw numbness along with dizziness. The exact symptoms that have me reeling. I further recognize that I carry tension in my neck and shoulders. If Youve read previous posts, you know my job drives me to the brink on a daily basis. My tension is crazy. I clench my jaw and suffer from symptoms of TMJ. This is a fact. TMJ has dizziness as a common symptom. On top of all of that, I haven’t been drinking as much water, ate sugar, haven’t been getting as much sleep as I need, sit on this silly phone in a poor posture and SWEAR I do/don’t do all of this innocently. It’s a tornado of events that single handedly could provoke the issues I have had since Friday. Yet, to a panic/anxiety sufferer, it ALWAYS means demise. Always. So, what to do? Well, I took 3 ibuprofen, I’m hopefully sitting back in a more neck friendly position, though it likely isn’t. I will get off of this phone and stop looking down. I am considering ice on my neck but truly detest being cold. It provokes an odd form of anxiety for me. I will CONSIDER a massage but, the last one caused a pinch nerve that forced me to deal with the very facial/arm numbness I fret about right now. I’m fearful it will aggravate the condition. I ponder a chiropractor for a minute. I just don’t know what’s best…. Most importantly, I’ll continue to pray for guidance and relief, along with the world, people I know, and don’t. So for now, my panic is gone and “all” that remains is the anxiety of guilt, fear of panics return and worry over which method will alleviate my numbness and waves of dizziness. For those that read this and know EXACTLY what I’m writing about…hang in there. We have to support each other and do things when we are able while not beat ourselves up when we just can’t. The sun will come up tomorrow and maybe THAT is the day we walk away from this forever!

Dont poke a stick at it


So I begin today. I wake slowly a few times through the morning. Today is a day I am able to sleep in and I absolutely do not want to wake up at my regular time. I drift in and out enjoying the quiet and sighing to the fact that I am actually able to stay in bed.

Reality starts to fade in and I wish it would stay asleep too. Flashes of the day before start to intrude on my bliss and before you know it, the last 45 minutes of what could be quiet, calming sleep, are assaulted by blips of discussions, incidents, fears and fretting. Now, I, am, awake.

My spouse was upset yesterday because the new job is difficult. The supervisors pulled my spouse in to the office and had a 30 day review. As a manager myself I think, ut oh, as soon as I hear the news. My spouse starts to, with great stress, relay the meeting.

Not so good news. They like you…but. There it is. The lurching but.

Now, the fact that I am in the midst of a back slide in my own deal-eo, does not make listening to this any easier. I am trying to focus on what is being said as numbness drifts to my left arm and face. I start to panic a little but try very hard to hide it and remain neutral. My spouse is now crying stating that they feel like a failure as I fight to remain in the here and now, and not concentrate on my impending sudden death.

I try to comfort my spouse because after all, there are real issues there too. My spouse has suffered from anxiety and depression for years. Disability was the only source of support until my spouse didn’t send the paperwork for the review back and was dropped off. I was furious when I found out.

My spouse doesn’t do well at work. Never has and we have been together 14 years. I hear about all of this success pre-melt down and am amazed its possible. People skills, great unless you are someone my spouse does not care for and then its all over. Forever.

So as my spouse is talking about having trouble seeing the forms and completing the work, I flash to a month from now and realize, my spouse is going to be fired.

I am angry yet understanding. It is a weird mix. You want to be compassionate but by the same token, you want to freak out. Computers have never been a strong skill for my spouse and this job requires some basic computer skills. Eyesight is an issue and macular degeneration runs on the paternal side of the family so, I worry this is something coming along as well.

Now, before I continue, let me just make this statement. I am truly a kind hearted person who loves my family. I am giving and believe in a world with Good and God. There are things in this world and life that sometimes people just cannot help.

Having said that….

I am frustrated. I see a near future where I am the only income. Again. Now we are worrying about the limited vision so that means no driving for my spouse. So, I am now the only income and the only form of transportation that my spouse will have. What about doctor appointments, the grocery store, outings and other things? It is a lot to fret about.

For better or for worse. I embrace that. I do. But it doesn’t keep me from being fearful that I am not in a position at this time in my life to handle the for worse part, because right now, I am in the midst of my for worse and I want to get away from ME!

Lets also ponder for a moment, other posts where I have relayed conversations where my spouse has been just short of a jackass with my for worse part. I am sure it is unintentional but jackass is jackass, even if it is by mistake.

Dont get me wrong, I am not divorcing my spouse because of a job loss or loss of vision. That is crazy talk. I am ranting that in the midst of the worst now 7 months of my life, I don’t know if I can cope with big drama on the other side right now. I am fearful that a job loss or devastating news about my spouse will seal my fate and I will be forever loony.

The same can be said for my prison of a job.

I had a phone interview yesterday with another company. I will have a face to face interview at the end of the month for a job that pays almost 16k less a year but has a rep for a great place to work, great benefits and would actually have me OFF on the weekends. I would also not work later than 6p. However, 16k less a year when the spouse is likely going to be unemployed before the first snowfall…..I may be chained to my current hell for a longer period. Of course, that’s unless they get rid of me first. I am sure with every review and every increase they think they could get someone cheaper and that hasn’t lost heart. Because frankly, they have stabbed me in mine so often, I really have nothing left.

I wonder, if I left, will they care? Will they know I am leaving because of how I have been treated all of these years? Will it matter? Likely not.

The Director has been normal lately. Pleasant really. My boss has been absent for several weeks. Not from work, just from my work. It has been nice as I was ready to pop with a weekly or bi-weekly visit to drop in and say the same things. Now if visits happen, I am sure it is when I am gone.

I think about losing that job and wonder if I will care. I wonder if it will actually send me over the edge. It may or it may actually bring me back from the brink. It is such a hostile environment that it amazes me that the people in the ivory offices are really SO out of touch that they don’t see it.

Then I wonder, should I just leave a sue them? Should I sue them for $1 just because I need to make a statement about how terrible they treat people? How they have turned me in to this absolute shell of who I used to be or could have been?

I am irritated that they treat people the way they do and think it is okay.

They fire some people for ethical lapses that yes, should have been fired, no mistake about it. Then I wonder if they are evaluating WHY these people, after SO many years are making these terrible decisions?

Do they understand that beating people down day after day, having as many changes as our company has had over the last few years, demanding more more more with no understanding of the burn out it causes, do they think just MAYBE some of this may be why people with 8 or 10 years of tenor are taking a path they have never taken before?

I have been there 8 and I have been beaten to DEATH by them but no, I would never steal. I wouldn’t do the things that others have done but I also couldn’t care less about them. I care about my employees and their well-being but as far as the oppressors go, it wouldn’t phase me if they left and never came back. It wouldn’t upset me if I made a job transition to another company for the same income. I would fill by box and book it out the door yelling “SEE YA!” on the way out.

So with all of this going on, it is no wonder my anxiety and panic are back to manifesting themselves in worry over my health. That is how I express my fret. Health anxiety. I highly recommend staying away from it because it will drain you fast!

So today, I get up, go about my duties that I have to meet and then return home. I gave myself a haircut. (Do not assume that I went Brittany Spears, I have cut my hair for years and never chose to go bald but thank you for your concern)

I showered and came in my room. My goal for the day has been to NOT lay down but stay seated or moving. I decided I was having anxiety so I am writing instead of obsessively checking my blood pressure and pulse ox. It is like an addiction. If I want to get out of the habit, I have to stop doing it.

Besides, I am functioning. I am tired and want to nap but should go in to work. I don’t want to and am considering just starting my new-found resolve to stay busy, tomorrow.

When you are functioning okay, limited dizziness, some “unreal” feelings but over all, functioning, it is silly to take a blood pressure and risk undoing what is functioning. I WANT to take my bp, but then I think about last week when I did and how I took an okay week and turned my life back into constant panic and worry.

If you are functioning, don’t poke a stick at it. Continue to function until you can’t. Then, poke the stick because you’re already down, whats more going to do?!

So, as I finish my ramble, I have glimpses of hope that I can be productive and get my homework done today. Of course it would involve actually DOING the homework for which at this second, I am too tired to do. I think I will see if I can take a nap. If not, homework and maybe work it is.

For the rest of you who have the affliction that I do, I pray that you find peace and calm. Even if it’s just for a few hours. I am praying that your hours lead to days, to weeks, to months and to years.

This world is in shambles and life is not easy. With prayer and luck, maybe, just maybe we can get back to normal. We can feel good. We can experience true joy and happiness.

Those are my prayers for you. And me.

CT Scan with Die


Yes, die.

I had a CT Scan with contrast dye today. I had a moment where I couldn’t breathe and my heart was going to explode. I hated it. Panic attack you ask?

Well, let me hook a tow truck up to your heart and see if you have some panic.

Apparently I had a “mild” reaction. Intense symptoms for a few minutes apparently constitutes mild.

Well, me and my MILD symptoms will never do that again. My heart rate went from 66 to 120, my heart was flipping around like it was trying to leave my body. Quickly, but was hung up on some ribs.

The tech called the doc down. I was trying to tell her my hear was all over but she left the room. Nice. I was weekly saying “Hello? Hello?” nothin.

As I recover, she mentions she pushed a bigger dose through because my heart rate was heading toward the 80’s. I’m medication sensitive. Thanks for trying to kill me for a minute.

My body is pissed off. I’ve been in a funk all day. Pushing fluids but it doesn’t seem like enough so now I worry I’m not getting the dye out like I should.

I hear I’ll feel better tomorrow. That’s good because this adventure has set me back in my anxiety and panic.

Dizzy spells, wanting to run home and be in my safe spot. Only 1 bath today though.

I’m hoping for good news from the doc tomorrow. If I’m not at risk for anything, meaning no sign of heart disease or other nasty things that appear with a CT Scan, I’m paying off my bills and quitting my job.

No job, no paycheck is worth what I went through today.

My employers culture is one of suspicion, fear, politics and nepotism. It’s toxic an I know it will be the death of me if I don’t get out.

I hate to have to start over. I don’t think I should but what else am I going to do? Unless you’re related, favored or got dirt, you’re at risk. That’s no way to live.

I’ll say it again, that company will be the death of me if I don’t leave.

I feel victimized every time I pull into the parking lot.

The sr. Director is worthwhile but the people below her? Wouldn’t last a second at another company in those positions. They cheat lie and try to intimidate whomever they can. It’s disgusting. Not for profit clearly doesn’t also have to mean moral compass.

I’ve had SO many signs from God that it’s time to save myself. God is watching over me, I know.

I wish they could be what they preach they are. Shameful.

Dreams are another thing


As I slowly return to reality from a dream, I see the orange glow of 4:12 a.m. on the clock. My dream about work still fresh in my mind. I turn over and refuse to wake up. My dream picks up where it left off.

I drift back to reality, 5:20. No! It’s still too early, until finally just after 6, I give in.

As I lay awake, taking inventory of my night, I recall my dream.

A BIG argument with my boss.  The Senior Director joins in on my behalf, but not really. The Director is completely absent. I start a new job within the company and totally abandon my current job. Feel guilty and then go back to help for a few weeks. Still arguing with my boss.

Weird.

I woke up agitated and anxious. Now I’m watching the clock, not wanting to leave.

I’ve been doing better. Though part of me wants to put that in quotes.

I’ve been able to leave my house many times without the several step stages as before. On a few occasions I even woke up, got up, dressed and left right away. I haven’t done that since January.

But, today, stages. It makes me late. I don’t like to be late. I also don’t like my job so, its not a surprise.

I have had odd chest pain lately and I had some this morning. That really started the ball rolling.

It may be gastric, but I fret about my heart. Of course. It’s where either would be so, its not unreasonable. I’ve thought about making another cardio appointment and asking how he knows I have no artery issues, because the pain has been pretty sharp at times.

I did start exercising some. Wednesday and Friday. I bike tomorrow. Then I’ll do something Tuesday and so on. My cardio is better than I feared but my body hates running. So clunky and painful.

7:16. I have to go but I want to stay here. It’s raining and quiet right now.

I saw the psych Doc last week. She gave me a script for zoloft. 12.5 mg. Sub therapudic levels because I’m afraid of medicine. I haven’t picked it up yet. I want to do this without medicine. But, I struggle through my day. Every day. She said its like raw nerve endings. If I can take the medicine, it will calm me down enough to heal.

It all makes perfect sense….but I’m still afraid of medicine. I fear the side effects.

I’m thinking about insisting the heart doc run a dye test to check the veins in my heart. I don’t like the dye either and that will be a whole new worry, but truly, how do they know for sure that you don’t have a block just by echos and Ekgs? I’ve had two stress tests as well. I guess I should Google those. I don’t know.

7:23. I work at 7:30. It takes me 10 minutes.

I think I go late because I have to stay late. I think its how I keep closer to 40 hours instead of the 50 plus I used to do. No one ever appreciated it. If anything, on the rare occasion I had to leave on time or God forbid, be ill, I got a ton of crap over it, so I stopped putting in extra hours.

I leave on a mini vacation Thursday. There are no solid people to run my department since the Dictator took my two leaders. I’m sure I’ll have a wrath of some sort upon my return. They will take no responsibility for playing such a big part in things that will likely not be quite right. It will all be my fault.

They always love an ambush. If they can ambush after someone has been gone…..even better.

7:29. I have no choice. I have to leave.

God grant me the strength I need to face this day. Amen.

Panic & Pain


For someone with panic like mine, pain can send you in a tailspin. I’m semi-in one now.

I have PVC, PAC heart beats. Irregular beats that are extra or skipped. Apparently they are very common but not felt. That’s the catch. You, reading this right now, may likely have them and be blissfully unaware.

My last doc said it like this. “If I pulled 60 people off the street, 40 have them. Of that 40, 15 feel them. We don’t know why but you’re in that 15. Of all 60, less than 1 has a true issue. You’re fine.”

I don’t feel fine, I feel fearful. When I have Sharp pains in my chest on the left side, and I do mean Sharp….I am afraid.

I don’t want to die. I feel like I’ve served no true purpose to God yet. If I die now, its a waste.

My prayers are spent wondering what it is that I can do, praying for the people in the world and praying for myself too.

God, my prayer is that each person finds every other, worthy. Agreeable and with an abundance of patience.

Amen