Good Days Don’t CureYou


Yesterday I had an amazing day at work. Skeptical, but really, I should have been on cloud nine.

I was asked by Directors boss to come up with some solutions to our crisis…that childish non-professional behavior has faced us with…hmmmmmmm…..I WONDER where in the world THAT could have started…..

Anyway, Director was there with the others.

I developed a fairly extensive plan. In a day and a half.

They are implementing it completely. Right now.

So…..why the anxiety?!

It started Sunday. I wasn’t feeling great and decided to take a homeopathic remedy called Sedalia. It worked like freaking magic. Within MINUTES I was feeling so normal I was just about giddy.

The Directors boss called me Saturday and asked for my help/opinions. Really pumped me up. Confided in me, kept telling me I was their only hope to fix our departments mess. I was worried they were so upset. I like Directors boss. I don’t want Boss to fear unemployment and I think that’s what’s happening. So, as always, I’m happy to help but felt a HUGE sense of responsibility. It was now MY problem to come up (in a couple of days) with a solution to fix a problem my supervisors have created over the last few years. I was overwhelmed but really wanted to come up with a workable solution.

So Sunday i was bubbling a bit from anxiety and, i was tired so, I tried this Sedalia. It worked VERY well. I felt like myself. I could relax. I didn’t think about death every two steps. I wasn’t twisted with worry, panic or….anything.

8 hours of absolute bliss on 1/2 of a pill in a packet of 60….it would last me forever and it was safe. No drowsiness, no side effects. Is what the box said.

Then

8 hours later happened. As fast as the “new me” was replaced by the “old me” that morning….the “new me” flipped back in. Like someone turning on and off a switch. As fast as it left, it came back.

More so.

I thought for a minute that it was just being hypersensitive because for the first time since February, I was me again. Truly me. But then, it kept growing into full bouts of rolling panic attacks.

I fell asleep only to be woken with panic, which has never happened before.

I would repeat “this is panic” in my head and it would calm only to influx again moments later. This went on for hours!

I had 8 hours of bliss and 8 hours of sheer agony!

NOT WORTH IT!!!

I contacted the maker who of course said it was impossible that it was their product. Yet I’ve talked to 3 people highly trained in natural/homeopathic medicine who say yes, it sounds like a reaction. Albeit a rare occurrence, a reaction nonetheless. I contacted them to see if it was normal. That’s it. They rolled up the sidewalk and shuttered all of the windows because I’m sure they assume I’m seeking restitution.

Sure, I’d like my money back but I’m not looking to buy an acreage in the middle of Beverly Hills. I would just like my $9.99 plus tax back and thats not even why i contacted them. Jerks.

So I was told to drink a small amount of caffeine or inhale some mentholated scents like Tiger Balm.

I did both. Within minutes, it was much better. I guess homeopathic medicine is very weak. It can be derailed by those types of things. Who knew.

So I was better. But, I was not feeling well. Like a truck hit me. No sleep. Like I should have a fever but didn’t. That kind of thing.

My spouse felt the same way so we think it was coincidence that I felt so poorly the next day, but the trauma from the panic probably added to it.

So, on through the week. I did okay. I had what I kept trying to remind myself was “normal anxiety”. I was still ill at work Monday. I pushed through. I thought Boss and Director would be out that day. They couldn’t make it. So I figured it was normal to be anxious in this case. I still believe that.

Tuesday, nope. Can’t make it my boss was out ill. Wednesday boss out ill again. Finally, Thursday morning they came. Boss, Director, my old boss the Directors minion and my new boss (who actually hired me years ago and was my first boss here)

I pitched the idea and they embraced it. Very well. Unusually well. Like, suspiciously well…..

There is much speculation within my companies execs as to why they came to me, and why they embraced my plan. Without reserve. Without a power struggle. I gave it, they took it and IMMEDIATELY implemented it.

One theory is, they are all in the fire. The Boss and Director are on the chopping block. Our department IS that bad off….maybe.

One theory is that there is another opening in their group and have been told it WILL be filled with me so they have started to try to make me less resistant to them…..maybe.

One theory is that the position is open and they want to fill it with their suck up friend (who by the way is dressing better and trying to appear all boss like lately) and in order to do that, they devised a plan to keep me in my current position but make me a “training” manager where I pump out trained people that go to other stores. A constant morning, noon and night headache for me while the other managers sit back and enjoy the trained people…..that way I’m out of the picture and Suckup can be slid in…..LIKELY scenario.

However, what my bosses are not aware of is, the Executives are not going to allow that plan. It’s already blocked.

So, I never got to celebrate my “win” for proposing something I hope helps.

Instead it was shrouded in mystery and speculation. Boss didn’t tell their boss that I was coming up with a plan. Didn’t tell Bosses Boss that I was even approached or that the plan is being put into place.

Lord, when did it all get so….odd?

So, I fell asleep…anxious. Sad. I woke up the same.

Needless to say, I fear death a bit again. I think it’s my go to anxiety. I had disequalibrium yesterday after the meeting because speculation started immediately. I had to remind myself I’ve felt it before…a lot.

This morning….I just wish I would sleep until I have to go to work.

Spouse is STILL struggling at work. Making mistakes. Starting to act out. A matter of time before spouse quits or is fired. Pretty sure.

Irritating. Just do your damned job. Look what I have had to endure this year. You can’t do reasonable requests?!

But, I’m trying not to unleash. Thus, MORE anxiety.

So now, I’m going to try to go to the gym and walk on the treadmill. I’d like to start getting more exercise but I’m still afraid.

I’m not sure how NOT exercising will help me beat heart disease but….there is no reasoning with anxiety. It does what it wants.

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Dont poke a stick at it


So I begin today. I wake slowly a few times through the morning. Today is a day I am able to sleep in and I absolutely do not want to wake up at my regular time. I drift in and out enjoying the quiet and sighing to the fact that I am actually able to stay in bed.

Reality starts to fade in and I wish it would stay asleep too. Flashes of the day before start to intrude on my bliss and before you know it, the last 45 minutes of what could be quiet, calming sleep, are assaulted by blips of discussions, incidents, fears and fretting. Now, I, am, awake.

My spouse was upset yesterday because the new job is difficult. The supervisors pulled my spouse in to the office and had a 30 day review. As a manager myself I think, ut oh, as soon as I hear the news. My spouse starts to, with great stress, relay the meeting.

Not so good news. They like you…but. There it is. The lurching but.

Now, the fact that I am in the midst of a back slide in my own deal-eo, does not make listening to this any easier. I am trying to focus on what is being said as numbness drifts to my left arm and face. I start to panic a little but try very hard to hide it and remain neutral. My spouse is now crying stating that they feel like a failure as I fight to remain in the here and now, and not concentrate on my impending sudden death.

I try to comfort my spouse because after all, there are real issues there too. My spouse has suffered from anxiety and depression for years. Disability was the only source of support until my spouse didn’t send the paperwork for the review back and was dropped off. I was furious when I found out.

My spouse doesn’t do well at work. Never has and we have been together 14 years. I hear about all of this success pre-melt down and am amazed its possible. People skills, great unless you are someone my spouse does not care for and then its all over. Forever.

So as my spouse is talking about having trouble seeing the forms and completing the work, I flash to a month from now and realize, my spouse is going to be fired.

I am angry yet understanding. It is a weird mix. You want to be compassionate but by the same token, you want to freak out. Computers have never been a strong skill for my spouse and this job requires some basic computer skills. Eyesight is an issue and macular degeneration runs on the paternal side of the family so, I worry this is something coming along as well.

Now, before I continue, let me just make this statement. I am truly a kind hearted person who loves my family. I am giving and believe in a world with Good and God. There are things in this world and life that sometimes people just cannot help.

Having said that….

I am frustrated. I see a near future where I am the only income. Again. Now we are worrying about the limited vision so that means no driving for my spouse. So, I am now the only income and the only form of transportation that my spouse will have. What about doctor appointments, the grocery store, outings and other things? It is a lot to fret about.

For better or for worse. I embrace that. I do. But it doesn’t keep me from being fearful that I am not in a position at this time in my life to handle the for worse part, because right now, I am in the midst of my for worse and I want to get away from ME!

Lets also ponder for a moment, other posts where I have relayed conversations where my spouse has been just short of a jackass with my for worse part. I am sure it is unintentional but jackass is jackass, even if it is by mistake.

Dont get me wrong, I am not divorcing my spouse because of a job loss or loss of vision. That is crazy talk. I am ranting that in the midst of the worst now 7 months of my life, I don’t know if I can cope with big drama on the other side right now. I am fearful that a job loss or devastating news about my spouse will seal my fate and I will be forever loony.

The same can be said for my prison of a job.

I had a phone interview yesterday with another company. I will have a face to face interview at the end of the month for a job that pays almost 16k less a year but has a rep for a great place to work, great benefits and would actually have me OFF on the weekends. I would also not work later than 6p. However, 16k less a year when the spouse is likely going to be unemployed before the first snowfall…..I may be chained to my current hell for a longer period. Of course, that’s unless they get rid of me first. I am sure with every review and every increase they think they could get someone cheaper and that hasn’t lost heart. Because frankly, they have stabbed me in mine so often, I really have nothing left.

I wonder, if I left, will they care? Will they know I am leaving because of how I have been treated all of these years? Will it matter? Likely not.

The Director has been normal lately. Pleasant really. My boss has been absent for several weeks. Not from work, just from my work. It has been nice as I was ready to pop with a weekly or bi-weekly visit to drop in and say the same things. Now if visits happen, I am sure it is when I am gone.

I think about losing that job and wonder if I will care. I wonder if it will actually send me over the edge. It may or it may actually bring me back from the brink. It is such a hostile environment that it amazes me that the people in the ivory offices are really SO out of touch that they don’t see it.

Then I wonder, should I just leave a sue them? Should I sue them for $1 just because I need to make a statement about how terrible they treat people? How they have turned me in to this absolute shell of who I used to be or could have been?

I am irritated that they treat people the way they do and think it is okay.

They fire some people for ethical lapses that yes, should have been fired, no mistake about it. Then I wonder if they are evaluating WHY these people, after SO many years are making these terrible decisions?

Do they understand that beating people down day after day, having as many changes as our company has had over the last few years, demanding more more more with no understanding of the burn out it causes, do they think just MAYBE some of this may be why people with 8 or 10 years of tenor are taking a path they have never taken before?

I have been there 8 and I have been beaten to DEATH by them but no, I would never steal. I wouldn’t do the things that others have done but I also couldn’t care less about them. I care about my employees and their well-being but as far as the oppressors go, it wouldn’t phase me if they left and never came back. It wouldn’t upset me if I made a job transition to another company for the same income. I would fill by box and book it out the door yelling “SEE YA!” on the way out.

So with all of this going on, it is no wonder my anxiety and panic are back to manifesting themselves in worry over my health. That is how I express my fret. Health anxiety. I highly recommend staying away from it because it will drain you fast!

So today, I get up, go about my duties that I have to meet and then return home. I gave myself a haircut. (Do not assume that I went Brittany Spears, I have cut my hair for years and never chose to go bald but thank you for your concern)

I showered and came in my room. My goal for the day has been to NOT lay down but stay seated or moving. I decided I was having anxiety so I am writing instead of obsessively checking my blood pressure and pulse ox. It is like an addiction. If I want to get out of the habit, I have to stop doing it.

Besides, I am functioning. I am tired and want to nap but should go in to work. I don’t want to and am considering just starting my new-found resolve to stay busy, tomorrow.

When you are functioning okay, limited dizziness, some “unreal” feelings but over all, functioning, it is silly to take a blood pressure and risk undoing what is functioning. I WANT to take my bp, but then I think about last week when I did and how I took an okay week and turned my life back into constant panic and worry.

If you are functioning, don’t poke a stick at it. Continue to function until you can’t. Then, poke the stick because you’re already down, whats more going to do?!

So, as I finish my ramble, I have glimpses of hope that I can be productive and get my homework done today. Of course it would involve actually DOING the homework for which at this second, I am too tired to do. I think I will see if I can take a nap. If not, homework and maybe work it is.

For the rest of you who have the affliction that I do, I pray that you find peace and calm. Even if it’s just for a few hours. I am praying that your hours lead to days, to weeks, to months and to years.

This world is in shambles and life is not easy. With prayer and luck, maybe, just maybe we can get back to normal. We can feel good. We can experience true joy and happiness.

Those are my prayers for you. And me.

Still employed


My spouse was home when I got home last night. I’m not going to sugar coat it, I thought we had been fired or walked out.

It wasn’t either. The day ended early. I was so relieved.

The place is great, the manager is amazing…..now we meet the Assistant Manager today and we are apprehensive.

I don’t recall starting a job hoping I will like everyone. I would just go and hope I do well. Everything else was secondary.

So, I listen with a watchful eye on any complaints or judgements.

In my own job world, I was turned down for even an interview for an internal position. Awesome. I’m still stuck. I’m still dreading going. I’m still clinging to my house before its time to leave.

Again, I hate that my job has turned me into a shell of my former self!

Employed


My spouse is headed for the first day of work since February. I feel panicky. Anxiety filled and a little sick.

It could be also because I have to go to my job today. I’m putting it off as long as I can. I don’t want to go.

I wonder if its possible that even though last week things were good, doing a different job, different place…around the director and others, if I’ve just put up with so much bunk over the years that I am going to be stuck like this forever.

I hope not. I just really would like to get back in my bed and stay there.

I hate my job and what its done to me….turned me into….stolen from me……

What is NORMAL anyway?


Sitting in my swiveling, rocking deck chair on the porch, enjoying an early morning that is beautiful as well as quiet…my heart starts to pound. I’m not startled, I’m not rocking or swiveling like a crazy person, I’m sitting.

This is the life of someone with palpitations. We are attacked at any time, during any events for no reason.

Needless to say, solitude moment, done.

Those without anxiety or palpitations shrug and wonder why we can’t just move on. You’re normal, what do you know.

We struggle with finding a comfortable spot to live our lives in. We long for the ever absent peace and tranquility.

Comfort within the walls of our bodies and mind is always just out of reach. We get just close enough to see it, to just about touch it but not close enough to breathe it or embrace it.

We dream of the days (and nights) when we will finally be still. Our thoughts calm and soothing while our bodies are relaxed and we finally, at last, feel  comfortable in our own skin.

My vision of normal is being easy going. Taking good days and bad days at face value. Having a healthy spirit, mind and body. Taking disruptions with a grain of salt while remaining strong in your beliefs, your values and your ethics. Being proud of your accomplishments as well as your failures. Being humble but assertive. Serving the greater good while enhancing your own life. Honoring your faith while respecting the faith of others.  Being normal is living your life to the best of your ability while enjoying the process and enriching the lives of those around you.

My goal is to be my version of normal.

Second opinion and new hope?


So I saw another Cardiovascular Doc yesterday. He instantly outshined my first one.

He was present for each test. He reviewed my information right away, WITH me.

The end result is, he concurred with Dr. 1. I have harmless PVC and PAC heart activity.

My tests all looked great said I was very healthy. Lose some pounds, become even more healthy.

I could have leaped off of the table and hugged him, had I not been wearing a gown, open in the front and taped shut…

He did prescribe a beta blocker but said I would have to take my bp several times s day because my heart rate and bp are say an athletic level so passing out is a possibility.

Upon much reflection I have chosen not to take it. If I’m healthy, then I can put up with the tunks.

So off I went, a new lease on life. Chest pain and all.

So I’m in this awkward place. I still have anxiety and had a wave of panic. After all, I’m still under the rule of the Director and her Egor. (I really need a new reference. This one seems so mean…suggestions welcome)

I went to HR yesterday to go.d out about another issue and wound up spilling everything. I’m glad someone outside of my department knows but also said I don’t expect anyone to do anything about it because after all, the Director has high ranking relations in the company. We are all screwed.

So here I sit. New dawn of a new day or new dawn of a “typical” day?

Health panic aside, I still have to enter the tomb of defeat (work) but I’m trying to be positive….until they find out and beat it out of me…..again.