Nothingness


“It’s just about time to go” announces my anxiety.

“I wish I didn’t have to” I reply, still worn out from my work life.

“You could quit..” says Reason.

“Who will pay the bills?!” demands Fear

“You have other jobs that make you more money. You would be able to grow that business if you were not tied up in that cesspool every day” argues Reason.

“But what if…” Anxiety starts but is cut off by Sadness “What if WHAT?! What if you work for YEARS making them money and they treat you like crap? What if you sacrificed your time with friends or family and they lie about you?? What if you have helped each of them on different occasions and they act like you are the biggest piece of shit in the world?! Yeah, what if. That will make things better!”

My department is thriving again. First in income and dollars per.

Yet, I don’t know how to manage.

Wednesday is my unreasonable deadline.

My attorney is willing to go after them personally for their bullying and intimidation. My attorney is willing to go after the company for allowing it. All I need to do is sign on the dotted lines. Yet….I really don’t want to.

Not because they all don’t deserve it. They do.

It’s because I don’t deserve it.

I deserve to have the respect that the work I have done over the years dictates.

If you don’t like someone, it doesn’t change their value. If you don’t like someone, it changes YOUR value if you allow it to interfere with everyone’s ability to do the job.

Senior Director likes to say “We need to remember that it doesn’t matter if we like someone personally. It only matters that they can do the job”.

Senior is trying to convince themselves and those around because they are all fodder within the company for making “mean girl” business decisions based on emotion and favor.

Keep repeating it because you’re no closer than you were the first time you said it.

Advertisements

Great day for a visit


The Director paid me a visit today. I wish I had known, I would have gone to the store.

I was professional. Jovial and polite. Inside I just felt a sense of detachment and disgust. As the Director spoke and made decrees, I thought back to a time when I really had respect for this person. At first I didnt care for the personality. Immature and gossipy. The Director is still that way but it submerged for a little while and I forgot it was there.

The fact of the matter is, I thought the Director had gained some maturity and I appreciated that fact. I thought it couldn’t have been easy to change your natural instincts like that and was impressed.

What an idiot I was. There was no change, it was just hidden below the dark and evil surface that slithers around making demands.

As I watched the Director enjoy being in my department and clearly feeling empowered I wished it was a time in the past when I would have enjoyed the visit. Would have welcomed anything they had to say.

Once someone says untruths about you, it changes how you look at them.

The Director left and I felt like I needed a nap and a shower. All of that malice in one location can be tough to take. It zaps the energy out of you because you know the visit is simply to “record” what they saw while there and then visit again in a week to see if there is a change. The problem with that method is that no matter what IS changed, it will be followed up with no change to support the desire to terminate me.

No ethics. No morals. Grudge holding and vindictive. All signs of immaturity. Nothing has changed except the kid that didn’t really fit in during school, doesn’t really fit in now except someone slipped and gave them a little power and oops…..we are going crazy with it. 

That summarizes the lot of them really.

The spouse works for a boss much like this. I always say “Give them Senior’s card because they will fit right in!”

The sad thing is that at one time I would have shook the world if the Director needed it. Now, I would tape it down and hope it didn’t move because I am sure the request is laced with unethical twists and self-righteous motivation.

People have no patience and will step on another if it serves them.

It’s why I prefer animals. It is why it is painful when they leave. Today was a rough day. I kept picturing my dog and wishing he was still here. The house is so empty without him despite other people and other dogs. I think we are all still stunned and wishing it isn’t so.

His sister is nervous and needy. She wants comfort but isn’t sure how to get it. I feel bad. They just look for him and sigh.

On the way to work this morning I was overwhelmed with going to a place that I have served at the cost of my health and relationships – a place where a few people deem I have no worth any more and it suddenly becomes so – and I was overwhelmed with the continued realization that my dog is gone. My buddy. My calming spirit is off on some other adventure without  me.